30 September 2006
Guideline 70
70. You shall refrain from trying to pet a giant panda while you are drunk.

It probably isn't a great idea to get in there when you are sober either...unles you are a trainer. But this moron wasn't. Of course he got bit, but what sent me over the edge was when he bit the panda back!! So let's see...the panda is asleep, the drunkard jumps into the cage and tries to touch it, the panda is startled and bites him on the leg, the drunkard gets angry and kicks the panda, the panda bites his other leg, and eventually the drunkard bites the panda back.

Just because an animal "seems to get along well with people" doesn't make it so. Lions in captivity like people...people give them food. Sometimes lions are too hungry to wait. Then they try to eat the zookeeper. They like people all right...for freaking dinner!

What REALLY takes the cake is that the authorities are not considering a punishment for this moron. Okay, so he probably got what he deserved and that was a good punishment....yet something tells me that he hasn't learned his lesson.
posted by -atomik kitten @ 8:30 PM   4 comments
Guideline 69
69. You shall not take meth to school...especially if YOU are the teacher.

And if you are a retarded crack fiend, keep up with your crap. You are so lucky that a teacher found the crap instead of a small child. What if a kid found it and thought it was candy? Then we'd be forced to endure you getting slapped on the wrist...or we could just kill you ourselves. I'm kinda leaning toward that...maybe tar and feathers first...the give her just enough poision to watch her flop around like a fish...maybe prop her eyelids open (after we tied her up of course) and force her to watch Teletubbies for hours upon hours.

What on earth is up with the super not having a comment? I would have a comment. I would say, "The retarded crack fiend is out on her ear. Here's her address:....." A board member says innocent until proven guilty? In most instances, I agree...but let's see here: it was in HER eyeglasses case, SHE left it in the teacher's lounge, and SHE admitted it was hers. My grandmother taught me a saying as a little girl: if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and swims like a duck shoot it and have it for dinner.
posted by -atomik kitten @ 8:21 PM   0 comments
29 September 2006
Holy smokes, batman!!
I was blogged about on Blogdumps!

WOW! All I can say is how flattered I am (especially since they think I'm amusing LOL).
posted by -atomik kitten @ 10:07 AM   1 comments
Guidelines 67 - 68
67. You shall not have sex with a child and call it a sacred ritual.

It's RAPE! What makes this especially disgusting (as if the sex with children isn't bad enough), all but one of the victims was under 13 AND some of them were autistic boys that he used to 'tutor'. This sick bastard thinks children can consent to sex. He thinks this is a sacred ritual...

Oh I am SO death penalty for child molesters...you just have NO idea. I'd kill him myself.

He gives those that are in faith a bad name. I don't care what faith...muslim, jewish, christian, hindu...all of us are getting a bad rap now.

Religious freedom my tail...this is one of those times I am so thankful for the separation of church and state. The church does NOT (church in general) condone abuse of any kind - physical or sexual. I am so glad that his court appointed attorney would not pursue religious freedom.

On second thought, maybe I am not completely death penalty for child molesters...I say turn this guy loose into the general population. They don't tolerate that crap. Oh to be a fly on the wall...or a prison guard.

68. You shall not run people over at McDonald's.

Hey - I like a McGriddle just as much as the next person.....probably even a little more. But to run someone over because McDonald's opens another register and someone makes it to the front of it before I do? Nah, McGriddle's aren't THAT good. They certainly aren't good enough to cause me the threat of jail time. Sounds to me like the lady should have paid more attention or been upset that the cashier didn't ask her if she had been helped.
posted by -atomik kitten @ 9:54 AM   0 comments
Guidelines 64 - 66
64. You shall know the difference between being blunt and being abusive.

Okay, so I get that it is a doctor's job to tell someone if they are fat...but to be so rude and verbally abusive (not to mention a little racist by saying that black men will find her attractive because she is fat) is going a bit far. That's not blunt - that's just stupid.

You shouldn't tell your patient that had brain surgery to shoot herself either...and to think - he wants to sue people now for malicious prosecution. The medical board dropped the charges saying he was blunt.


65. You shall not use 911 as a dating service.

I like a man in uniform just like most other women. I like them so much, that I married a man in uniform. Most of us, 99.9%, don't abuse public safety numbers to meet them.

66. You shall not embarass your son's memory.

I think that Cindy Sheehan is revolting. You know, when she wanted to meet with Bush I found that kind of admirable. My DH used to be in the Air Force...I have 3 sons.. I can kind of see where she is coming from. With one exception.

If my child died (any of them) doing something that they believed in and loved (even if I hated it - aside from the usual suspects of DWI, drugs, etc etc), I would not be harassing people and getting myself arrested. Hello? Do you really think you are doing justice to the memory of your son? I understand freedom of speech, peaceable assembly, and all that good stuff. But whatever happened to common sense? Do you want to be taken seriously or as a nut job?

I feel bad for her - I think the loss of her son = the loss of her sanity. If you want to do something, Ms. Sheehan, to remember your boy...why don't you visit http://www.anysoldier.com and send CARE packages? Some of the troops still overseas have no one to send them letters and treats.
posted by -atomik kitten @ 9:52 AM   0 comments
Guidelines 61 - 63
61. You shall not order a hit on your own grandchildren.

Do I even have to say how wrong that is? Especially considering that the grandparents that ordered the hit did it because their son (the dad) was in jail on rape charges against his own daughters. They wanted the wife killed too... I know that in law rivalry can be harsh but my word, this is just...stupid. Oh, did I mention that they wanted to off the dog too?!

62. You shall not conduct stupid studies.

I mean, really, do we need a group of scientists or researchers to tell us that more children are backed over by SUVs and trucks than by sedans? I'm no rocket scientist and I don't play one on TV either but even I can figure that out. Could it be because it is a lot harder to see the head of a five year old through a back windshield of a surburban when he is chasing a ball that happened to get behind the vehicle than it is to see the same kid run behind the back of a Taurus?

63. You shall not drink a soda that has a broken seal.

Note that I am not writing this about the idiot the urinated in the bottle. We all know he's stupid. Hasn't your mama taught you not to drink things that the seal is already broken on? Could he not tell? When you don't get the usual hiss out of the bottle when you open it, you don't drink it. It is kind of like checking the due date on the milk before you buy it.

posted by -atomik kitten @ 9:50 AM   0 comments
Guidelines 59 - 60
59. You shall not car surf if you are the driver.

I've seen people car/truck surf. I know people that have participated in such stunts (you know who you are). Try explaining this to the insurance company.

60. You shall not be a....jerk.

You thought I was going to use the b word, didn't you? I will admit that it crossed my mind.

Look - I generally don't care what religion my neighbor is (or your neighbor for that matter). Can't people have a little respect for people's feelings and the dead? I get that this guy didn't want a cross on his property but did he have to take the stuff and bury it as opposed to giving it to the unborn child's father?
posted by -atomik kitten @ 9:48 AM   0 comments
Guidelines 57 - 58
57. You shall not ticket a little old lady for walking too slow.

This is just wrong. If a high school senior student couldn't make it across the intersection before the light changed, what makes you think an 82 year old woman with a cane carrying groceries can? Here's a bright idea, officer, help her carry her groceries instead of giving her a ticket. What in the world ever happened to compassion?

58. You shall wipe the toilet when you are done.

he sad thing is I am not even talking about my little boys (ages five and seven) or even my husband. I am not discussing the male gender at all. As a woman, one that sits down to pee, I am trying to figure out (still, 24 hours later) how a woman can (a) manage to pee on the seat and (b) why on earth you don't wipe it up. Let me tell you...we have four stalls in the women's restroom. I went into the first stall...the seat was wet. I moved on to the second stall...the seat was wet. I went to the third stall...the seat was wet. I went into the stall for the physically disabled and it was dry. So I felt bad but I really really needed to go and since classes let out yesterday for the law students....

No, of course I didn't wipe it up. If I am not related to you, I do not clean up after your bodily fluids. If I am related to you, the only way I am cleaning up after you bodily fluids is if you are sick and didn't make it to the batrhroom. If you are healthy, do it yourself. I don't pee behind the toilet so I am not cleaning it up. My sons even know to wipe off the toilet seat if they miss. Why can't adult women do the same?
posted by -atomik kitten @ 9:46 AM   2 comments
Guidelines 53 - 56
53. You shall not drink and operate.

I have a hard time deciding which is worse so yall might have to help this little southern girl out... Which is worse: drunk driving or drunk neurosurgery?

54. You shall not walk along the train tracks and text people if you are deaf.

First, believe it or not, my condolences to the family. I don't know what it must be like to lose your child. I pray I never find out.

Why are you walking along the train tracks if you are deaf? Yes, I know that some deaf people can feel vibrations. However I am not quite sure how that plays out when the train is running on tracks and not really on the ground. Next, why are you walking along the train tracks while text messaging your parents if you are deaf? I don't know... For me, that is sort of like...driving a car at night without headlights while blindfolded and listening to a DVD.

55. You shall not bring a lawsuit against yourself for backing over your own car.

I know that we in America are sue happy. Everything is someone else's fault. We are a society that just can't take responsibility. Fat people sue McDonald's. We sue fast food chains when we spill scalding coffee on ourselves. We need stupid warnings on hair dryers. You can't get blood from a turnip as is... Don't sue the city when you are the city employee that caused the damage to your own vehicle. Moron.

56. You shall not kick a student out of class on the basis of hair color.

You know, when I was in school, more specifically my senior year, I was known as Rainbow Bright. I had incredibly good grades. I just had, well, unusual hair. My grandmother always figured, and I agree with her especially since I have a five year old son that sometimes sports red spikes or silver spikes in his hair with washable hair color, that if the worst thing a kid ever does is dye their hair an unusual color then the parent has it made.

I want to know where the ACLU is. Oh wait, that's right...there are still far too many minorities left to convince that they are oppressed to worry about a fourteen year old girl.

posted by -atomik kitten @ 9:42 AM   0 comments
Guideline 52
Example of Natural Stupidity

My students, you will probably have to Google search for the story because your instructor (just call me stupid) neglected to mark the link to include. My good friend sent me a story that will make a wonderful example.

Number one, mothers shouldn't leave their sleeping children in a car; particularly when it is warm out. Number two, don't be more concerned about how much it is going to cost you when the fire department comes to bust the glass to get your poor baby out. People should have to undergo a common sense test before having children.

52. You shall not charge a wounded soldier for damaged body armor.

If he hadn't been wearing the body armor then there wouldn't be a soldier to charge, now would there? So let me get this straight....he gives up his life to devote to his country, puts himself in harm's way, leaves his family behind, practically gets blown to bits, gets discharged, and now he is going to be charged $700 for damaging a piece of body armor? You've got to be kidding me. I pronounce the people charging him as being held liable for DSC (for my new readers that stands for Double Stupidity Clause and the punishment is tarring, feathering, and being taken into the streets and shot). Go to Iraq but don't get hurt because if you damage the government's equipment then you must pay for it. Give me a break.

PS Don't lie, cheat, or steal because the government HATES competition (just look at Haliburton!)!
posted by -atomik kitten @ 9:40 AM   0 comments
Guidelines 47 - 51
47. You shall remember that peeing outside is NOT performance art.

In America we have this lovely little thing called the Constitution. This story will make you even happier that we have it. At least here your rights are (mostly) protected. If someone's so called right infringes upon your right, they (hopefully) lose that right. I'll be the first to admit that my boys have peed outside before. However they've never done it in front of people (okay, I am not ENTIRELY sure about that cause there was the one time when DS3 came in from outside naked from the waste down when we lived on the Air Force base...he was about 2). I know that art is in the eye of the beholder but I don't know a single soul that considers a golden shower must see TV. Kind of makes you glad you don't live in Denmark, huh?

48. You shall not attempt to scare away someone's hiccups by brandishing a loaded fire arm.

Okay - there are so many reasons why this is just stupid. I'll stick with the obvious one: the gun was loaded. So now instead of scaring someone, your finger slipped and you shot them.

49. You shall not leave your three young children home alone to attend a taping of Jerry Springer.

Is Jerry Springer worth going to jail over? I sure wouldn't put my children in danger (or myself) in jail to go see him. I am just going to link the article name to the article because it is, indeed, priceless. Next on Springer: Mom Goes to Jail. Let me tell you, some of these people make me feel pretty normal.

50. You shall not complain that a crossing guard waves.

If you are distracted by an old lady waving at traffic when she isn't helping little kids cross the street, you have issues. I don't know if perhaps you are attracted to little old ladies or if you are just jealous that you can't be a crossing guard....perhaps you are just MEAN. Either way, YOU suck!

51. You shall not sell your church to buy a BMW.

If you have the gall to even consider selling your church to buy a vehicle, perhaps you are in the wrong profession. Maybe law school would be right up your alley instead. I am offended by this for two main reasons (I am sure I could think of more if I wanted to).

  1. I am a God fearing woman. You don't sell God's house to buy a material possession. Sure, I know you probably need a vehicle but you don't need a BMW. Don't live better than the people in your church. There is a special place in hell for you, I'm sure.
  2. His name is Randall. He just sullied a perfectly good name. My husband has that name and so does his father. I think this man ought to be required to change his name to something really stupid...like...Zerbert or, hey, legally change his name to Moron!
posted by -atomik kitten @ 9:35 AM   0 comments
Guidelines 43 - 46
43. You shall not attempt to dismiss a Navy Chaplain for doing his job.

Personally, if I was in the military I'd feel good knowing a chaplain practiced his faith. It's a little scary when the military won't enforce their own law from 1860 and want to try and override it with some non-sense from 1998. If trinitarians can envoke the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost and it isn't considered "inflammatory" or "demeaning" to another faith, then how is praying in Jesus' Name any different? You can read the entire story here. Then call the White House, your representatives, and call your church to stand for this man. How sad is it that the one country that was founded on freedom of religion and Judeo-Christian values is now being denied the right to practice his faith (when it is his job)? The same people that fight for our rights are being denied their rights. If this chaplain is so demeaning to other faiths, why did he fight for a Jewish sailor to have kosher meals aboard a ship? 'Scuse me for a minute...I have a White House to call.

44. You shall verify a story with credible sources before sending out a news alert.

Okay so when I got into work this morning, I was all set to only publish one rule. But no, now I have to publish three.

I had two breaking news alerts from Fox News this morning. One said that the 12 miners were all found alive. The next one said all but one are dead. Do you see a problem here? Something tells me they didn't die on the way OUT of the mine shaft.

My prayers are with the families of the deceased and with the surviving miner.

My sympathies are with Fox News for apparently hiring a bunch of idiots.

45. You shall remember to re-attach the emergency brake when working on someone's car.

Last night I took a co-worker to pick up her car from the mechanic. She told me that she took the car in because when she had work done previously, they over tightened something and broke it. So now she is out another $100 to get it fixed. This morning when I got into work, she told me she had to take her car back into the shop. They fixed the original problem but they neglected one tiny little detail. They forgot to re-attach the emergency brake. And these people get paid for this?

Example of Natural Stupidity

You know why warning labels exist? Because of stupid people. Here are the wackiest labels of the year.

46. You shall not touch the bottom of a George Foreman Grill.

You know, the last time I posted here I was talking about stupid warning labels. George Foreman needs a warning label on his grill for people like me that don't think clearly after a certain time during the day/evening. So I had the little tabletop grill warming up on my stove, right? It didn't dawn on me that the grease trap is where it is for a REASON (AKA the grease has to come from SOMEWHERE). Well the lid wouldn't stay up because I had the grill pushed back to far on the stove. So I decided to pull it forward. I assumed the top (yeah I know what they say about assuming, so shut up) of it would be hot because of the bun warmer possibly letting off steam. So brilliant me decides to reach UNDER it. BAD idea! The non-stick grill runs from the inside to the outside of the grill forming a small lip for the grease to run down into the grease trap. I now have grill marks on two fingers.

Shut up.
posted by -atomik kitten @ 9:29 AM   0 comments
Guideline 42
42. You shall not use charity money to pay for a dominatrix.

Okay, so to each his own. If you like to get freaky in bed, hey, that's up to you. Just pay for it with your own funds. Don't embezzle money from a charity to get your freak on. That's just wrong. You know you'll probably go to hell for that, right? That is just all kinds of wrong.

Example of Natural Stupidity

So I am sure you are wondering what thing could be even stupider than Cruise joining up with Scientology? Well let me tell you: he bought a sonogram machine to watch the baby grow in Katie Holmes' belly. So the guy who expects little Katie to go through child birth without uttering a sound (I've given birth naturally and let me tell you, that is impossible to do completely silent; even with drugs, you still grunt!) is now going to bounce soundwaves off the baby's body. The guy that thinks it will cause the baby to have psychology issues if mommy is making noise during childbirth is now going to invade the baby's sanctity (which the womb is actually quite loud what with two heart beats, blood rushing, and the mother's voice) with sounds that will cause a baby to appear on a screen. Do you know why babies move during sonograms? Because the sound makes them uncomfortable.
posted by -atomik kitten @ 9:27 AM   2 comments
Guidelines 36 - 41
36. You shall not date a crack addict for a second (and now third) time.

My mom and brother are both idiots. First let's talk about my mother. My dad died in September of 2004. Please don't send me condolences because I am glad he's dead (he was abusive). My mother is a mental case (certified). Last year she was living in sort of a half way house for folks with mental illness. She meets this guy that is legally blind and living there as well. He is a recovering crack addict and a retired Navy guy. He seemed nice enough but I was sort of reserved about it because, come on, my dad was a narcotics addict and my mom is a recovering addict and alcoholic so I know the bumpy road. So against better judgment, my mother and this guy move out and in together. Things seemed to be going fair to middling for about three months. She raved about how great this guy was. Well one little hitch in the story is that he is still legally married to some psycho (according to him) in Texas. So he started making trips to Texas to see an "attorney". Something smelled rotten in the state of Denmark. Well on one of these trips he doesn't come home for a week after his expected returning date. Of course my mom is fit to be tied. Not only does he come home, but he brings the soon to be ex wife home too to live with them!! Fast forward about a week...I get a call from my mom from my brother's house. She was staying there until she could find another place to live because her boyfriend stole all her money and went out and did crack. Can I say I told you so? Of course then she starts going off on what a jerk he is and how he was never nice to her and on and on and on. Did I mention my mother is a drama queen? So she moves out and in with some girl she knows. Then not a week later she moves out from there and in with some biker she met. She is raving about this guy and how she is going to marry him. My brother thinks he's grand. Me? I think you already know... I am skeptical. Not two months later biker dude kicks her out to move in some chick that is just getting out of the slammer. So then she moves into this rat hole apartment that she is still in. In the meantime she is dating (probably sleeping with) anything that walks and is of the male sex. Fast forward to today....

She calls me at work to tell me her "good news". She is getting back together with crack head. She can't understand why I am not happy for her because she "loves" him. He's changed. Uh, no. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. I just hung up.

So then I call my older brother. He's in his thirties. I asked him if he knew. He said he's known for two weeks or so and is supportive. He has a certificate from NA for 30 days sobriety. What difference does that make? He had one from the VA for six months and look what he did. He has a divorce decree. Big freaking deal. Doesn't mean he won't be dragging someone else home or stealing her money again. Oh, and then I was told that I shouldn't be so judgmental. After all, my brother trusts him enough to let his wife (my sister in law) drive crack head back to Texas by herself with him giving her $100 to do it. That's not trust - that is stupidity.

Someone please, please, please tell me I am adopted and I have a NORMAL family somewhere desperately searching to find me. So now as far as I am concerned, I am an orphan. Who wants to adopt me?

37. You shall not obsess over online games.

Okay, playing online games 24/7 (literally) doesn't make you 733t. It makes you 7@M3! If you can read that, you are indeed lame. Looks like you got pwnd by real life!

38. You shall not allow a 37 year old man to marry your 15 year old granddaughter.

I know you probably think you know where I am going with this. We can all obviously see the problem here. However I am not going to go there. Matter of fact I am going to debate on changing this rule or even adding another rule. The article said the grandmother found out about her grandson marrying the 37 year old when she was notified by the clerk. Here's my question: grandma, what on EARTH were you doing that you weren't able to nip this crap in the bud? Her butt would have been in jail had she been anywhere NEAR my fifteen year old boy. Sure, it's obvious that the 37 year old is crazy. Granny ought to be punished too. That is neglect. If you don't know who they are hanging out with, you've got issues. I am the mean mom. I am the mom that makes the other kids hang out at MY house so I know what my kids are doing. I am the mom that insists on my children staying in the yard. I am the mom that insists on meeting the parents of other children. I am the mom that drops in unannounced. Why is that someone old enough to be MY mother couldn't figure out to be doing the same thing?

39. You shall not marry the man that shot you and held you captive.

There are so many fish in the sea. Really, dear, there is no reason to wed someone that held you and your family hostage and then shot you. What's he going to do for your anniversary, set you on fire?

40. You shall not give a turkey an armed guard.

So today the official Thanksgiving turkey received his pardon. I heard that he is being taken to a Disney farm.....under the protection of armed police officers. Ladies and gentlemen might I present to you your tax dollars at work..

41. You shall not lie about being carjacked when you are cheating on your girl.

First, don't lie to your girlfriend about it. Second, it's probably not the brightest idea to lie to the FBI about it. The way to romantic bliss is not picking up a prostitute and running off with her because you are angry about something.
posted by -atomik kitten @ 9:23 AM   0 comments
Guidelines 31-35
31. You shall not fall asleep while stealing gas.

I know gas is expensive. I don't like paying $3.00 per gallon any more than anyone else. I don't steal gas. If I did, I would be smart enough to stay awake!

Crime doesn't pay...and in this case, it doesn't save money either!

32. You shall not try to bomb the OU Memorial Stadium.

Because God will surely smite thee. I don't care what the media says. The kid was using TAPT and tried to get 36% AN fertilizer. He had a ticket to the game and security stopped him. His intention WAS to hurt someone else. My guess is that when he sat down, the TAPT went off (that stuff can go off if you drop it - it is that flammable), and he was blown into dime size pieces.

I might update this post later. I'm busy.

33. You shall not let your eyes become larger than your stomach.

Because this could happen to you..

34. You shall not attempt suicide in front of your students.

Especially when they are third graders. And people wonder why some people hate this country. You know this woman is going to walk in some form. See, had she molested my son she wouldn't have needed to try and commit suicide in front of her class. I would have killed her with my bare hands.

35. You shall not call in a bomb threat in an effort to spend quality time with your significant other.

Call in and take the day off. Do you not think that they wouldn't hunt you down? They say love is blind - in this case it's relationship suicide. I hope her boyfriend had the sense to leave her. I hope she realizes that now she won't have a boyfriend. She's going to be someone's cell bi....mate.

Example of Natural Stupidity

Imagine this: you are a second grade teacher. Today is show and tell day. Little Johnny has something to show you. It's green, leafy, and he got if from his idiotic uncle.
posted by -atomik kitten @ 9:17 AM   0 comments
Weird? Me? Surely you jest...
So last night on the way home I had to stop at the little grocery store in town. When you first walk in and look to your left, there's a little bench. Lo and behold one of the "neighborhood" hoodlums was sitting their shirtless talking to one of the teen girl cashiers. I barely gave them a second glance and went on up to take care of my business (getting M.O.s) at the business counter. I guess I was probably about 10 feet away from them. I have very good hearing.

Girl: She and her mom [not actually my mom - my mother in law] come in here a lot. They're pretty nice to all us girls but I don't think I've ever seen them wearing pants.

Hoodlum: We live about six houses apart [correction: we are about five trailers apart LOL]. I aint never seen her in pants either. She's really weird.

How on earth would that kid know that I'm weird? I've never even talked to him. He's never down our way. Granted, I've been tempted to run him over a couple of times for skateboarding down the middle of the road but I resisted the temptation.

I just couldn't help myself and I should probably repent. When I was leaving and he was staring at me I said:

Better to be weird and modest than to make a fool of oneself by sitting in a grocery store with no clothing on.

I really wanted to say, "You don't know me so shuddup." But I didn't. I was talking to my neighbor across the street about it and he said, "You know, we kind of made fun of you for a while until we got to know you." I said, "Yeah, I know. My husband overheard you. I don't mind being called a Bible Thumper." I thought he was going to die from embarassment. LOL

One of the definitions of weird is unearthly. I'm glad I'm weird. The Bible states to not be conformed to this world. I am glad to see that people notice that I am different.
posted by -atomik kitten @ 9:05 AM   0 comments
27 September 2006
Thirteen things you shouldn't do while driving..

1. No text messaging. Talking on a cell phone is bad enough - have safe text. Do it when you are parked.

2. Don't beat your kids...especially if they are in the backseat and you are in the front. You have to aim to smack them and yet you must keep your car on the road. You can smack them later.

3. Don't car surf. Car surfing as the passenger is bad enough. Don't do it if you are the driver; that's just begging for trouble.

4. Don't put on your make up and drive. Get your you know what up out of bed earlier if you feel you must clog your pores. You could always wait til you get to work and do it in the bathroom.

5. Do not participate in a high speed chase unless you are a police officer on duty. Do I really need to elaborate? Rent a cops not required.

6. Do not dig for something in your glovebox while driving.

7. Do not fix your hair while driving.

8. Do not look to run over animals to stop and shovel up for dinner.

9. Do not look for your cell phone in the floor of the car while operating your motor vehicle. Eyes on the road, not the carpet.

10. Do not eat food that requires silverware.

11. Do not stop at a green light.

12. Do not drive the wrong way on a one way street and then HONK at the people going the right way. Most annoying - almost head pinching annoying.

13. Do not throw objects at other vehicles. Your luck, the vehicle will have an angry redneck in it that doesn't like things near his truck.
posted by -atomik kitten @ 8:12 PM   18 comments
26 September 2006
My kid is so funny...
So last Saturday night we were watching the OU game at the in laws'. The boys were back in the blue room (because the walls are blue) where my MIL keeps her stamping and scrapbooking stuff. They were making pictures. They came into the living room and brought me a picture they made on some stock card. You could still smell the permanent marker. Unkey Monkey (18 yo BIL) took it and started sniffing it (trying to be funny).

Me: "Quit that! You're such a bad influence."

DS1: "Don't worry Unkey Monkey - I like sniffing markers too."

Me: **laughs so hard I cry**

Unkey: "That's my BOY!"

So - it looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue as I have a couple of huffers in my midst. Okay, so not really. We told DS1 that we should not sniff markers on purpose. It kills brain cells (and apparently in our family, there's already a shortage).
posted by -atomik kitten @ 9:01 PM   1 comments
The communist plot to do away with recess...
I heard some ridiculous ad on talk radio... I didn't catch all of it but it had something to do with "not letting the playground become the pain-ground." In some respects, I agree with it but we cannot put our children in bubble wrap. Honestly, has anyone LOOKED at an "average" American child? Fat! Fat! Fat! Yeah, I said it. Fat! Let's do the math here...

Let's see...in the 90s, we cut back music and art. Test scores dipped so in some areas it was brought back. So now the communists that are on most school boards had to find another way to pad their pockets.

Let's see...how about we do "fundraising" for the school by installing soda machines and vending machines? I had those when I was in junior high but we were strictly forbidden to use them (they were literally behind locked doors until after school. Your average 20 oz soda is about 200 calories (if not more). Juice isn't much better - it's mostly sugar. But at least with juice you get some vitamins.

Okay, well let's keep looking....still not enough? How about we cut back or do away with PE? After all, someone might get knocked down when learning to follow the rules (gasp!!) of a game. Forget all about the Presidential Challenge or running a mile in 12 minutes. If that's not bad enough, let's cut back recess because children aren't "learning" enough.

Could it be that children aren't learning enough because they are stuffed with sugar and have no where to run it out of their systems? I've seen news reports of schools getting rid of playground staples such as swings and monkey bars to "protect" the children. What a crock of.....I'll give you a hint and it isn't butter.

My eight year old does his homework on the bus so he can play outside with his buddies when he gets in. Why? Because they have recess for 10 minutes before lunch. After lunch (did I mention it was a SILENT lunch room), they go right back to class. So much for burning calories. Yet the schools can't figure out why kids are such little troublemakers.

Let's review: cutting art and music = lower test scores. Light bulb moment: bring back some art and some music.

Let's review: cutting recess or taking away recess activities and PE and adding vending machines = fat (FAT! ), hyper children with nothing to do but take it out on their teachers.

We can't protect them from everything. They will eventually fall and hurt themselves. I don't know a single parent who doesn't have a "fell and hit their head" story. Shall we do away with Little League and Upward Bound sports programs too? Oh crap...I better shut up. The communists are probably listening and they don't need anymore ideas.

posted by -atomik kitten @ 2:53 PM   3 comments
24 September 2006
Guidelines 27 - 30
27. You shall not blame the government for a NATURAL disaster.

Because if the government was to blame then it wouldn't be natural, now would it? That would be a MAN made disaster (and most governments are but that is BESIDES the point). So if people can start blaming the hurricane on Bush (and believe me, even though I voted for him, I am not exactly thrilled with him this term) then I can blame Michael Moore for bad bowling shoes and the high price of chicken and beef. After all, a man of his stature must really break down bowling shoes and we all know he is consuming large amounts of beef and chicken. Thus making my life uncomfortable.

28. You *can* judge a book by its cover (if you read it).

So last night my family and I went to Hastings on our way home from PetSmart and eating dinner at Golden Corral. I love to look at the bargain books. I've gotten some great books for great prices that way. One of my co-workers gave me a small list because she knows I like Hastings. If I find a book she is looking for she reimburses me for it. The first thing I see is a "For Dummies" book. It was on Word! For a buck fifty, I snapped it up. We get home and I take it out of the bag. I was in such a hurry at Hastings, I failed to read the cover. Word 2002 Para Dummie - Soluciones Practicas para Todos!

Huh... Yeah..

So I brought it to work anyhoo and gave it to D. She was so excited! Then she read the cover!! ROTFLOL We don't speak Spanish!

So the good news is that I only spent a buck fifty...and the better news is that someone else in the building wants to buy it from me! ha ha ha!!

29. You shall not make your children sleep in a cage.

Okay, do I really need to explain why this is bad and wrong? They are children. They are not puppies.

Example of Natural Stupidity.

Alright boys and girls, it's time to add something new to enhance your learning experience. From now on, when a public figure makes a stupid decision we might just list them as an example of natural stupidity (although sometimes I wonder if their stupidity IS natural or if it is a talent they keep developing). To read about today's example, visit my other blog
and look for the title, "Big Mistake Mr. Mayor."

30. You shall not throw food at a police officer.

I am a firm believer that senior citizens deserve our respect. After all, most of them worked hard to build the society that we live in. However just because one has worked hard to build society doesn't give an individual the right to assault an officer of the law with chicken wings and a 2 liter bottle of Coke.

Besides, with everything becoming more and more expensive one ought to be thankful that one can afford chicken wings and Coca Cola when there are other elderly people out there that have to eat dog food to afford their medication. (I feel like my grandmother giving the, "starving children in third world countries" speech...)
posted by -atomik kitten @ 12:38 PM   2 comments
Guidelines 20 - 26.
20. You shall not be intimidated by small children "stealing" your business.

Kids' Lemonade Stand Closed

Can you believe this? This is America and small children should not need a permit to sell lemon-aid. If you want to make yourself look good, make sure your customers see you outside encouraging and purchasing a cold drink from those little boys - it might cut down on all the nasty looks..

21. You shall not padlock your testicles.

Okay - I have some close friends. I have some that I would trust to almost any extent. I don't drink. I used to drink heavily when I was about 18. Do you know what stopped me? Doing something stupid. Apparently a "friend" convinced me that I would look good with black hair. I woke up with black hair (and I don't remember dying my hair). You know that if he got drunk enough to let his friend put a padlock on his twins, then he has been drunk enough in the past to do something stupid (maybe not as stupid as this) enough to convince him that either (a) he needs new friends or (b) he needs to quit boozing it up.

Police: Man's Testicles Locked In Padlock

22. You shall not make a porno if you are famous and NOT a porn star.

Don't expect it to remain private either. Do you know what I find so funny about this Colin Farrell incident? He is probably seeking the restraining order because he is embarassed that he could only last fifteen minutes!

23. You shall not sleep on the train tracks.

I haven't gotten the actual story that this person DID fall asleep on the tracks but so far that is the story. The town just north of me (Norman) has most of it split in to two sides because of the railroad tracks. You couldn't get on one side from the other. Someone was hit by a train and the police think the person got drunk and went to sleep on the tracks.

24. You shall not return to the scene of the crime.

I am saddened and relieved that they found the Figeroua girl's body. (Sorry but I don't remember her first name.) I couldn't help but roll my eyes when I found out HOW they found the body and the fact that the cops said they might not have ever found her body if...............the unborn baby's father wouldn't have went BACK to the body. Duh! Hello! If they can't pin anything on you, don't go back to the body. Murder is certainly wrong but you have to have more respect for an intelligent killer than a moron.

25. You shall not sue your doctor for speaking the truth.

Obesity leads to many, many health problems. It can KILL. If you wanted to be left in the dark, don't go to the doctor. I wonder if I can sue the USAF doctors for telling me the truth two years ago about having Lupus...

26. You shall do your homework, Mr. Policeman.

It's been said that everyone in this world has a twin. I've found my spiritual twin and apparently there are LOTS of people in this world that look like me (or I like them). Today, as a matter of fact, in the grocery store I walked by an older gentleman who reached out and grabbed my arm (not rough) and said, "Jennifer, honey, is that you?" He thought I was his daughter; he hasn't seen her in over ten years. I felt really bad for him. He looked so sad when I told him no. I was thinking, "There are fathers that care for their daughters?" Anyhoo, I am beginning to digress. So this couple gets pulled over. Their kids are doubled up in seat belts. The officer runs dad's DL and it comes back as revoked due to failure to pay a parking ticket. That, in the end, is a computer error. The officer tells the mother (who was nursing a baby) to drive instead. Now for some reason he takes HER DL and runs it. Then he comes back, makes the dad take the baby, and arrests mom in front of the kids. She is asking what is going on and he is telling her to be quiet. Apparently she looks like a fugitive. Okay - this fugitive has tatooes. Our nursing mother does not have tatooes. He arrests her anyway, has her strip searched and thrown in jail. Another officer says that this is not the lady and the arrested mother asks if that officer can do something to help her. The officer tells her no.

Eventually mom is released. An arrest warrent had been issued under a phony name. Can you say, "Rookie"? Sure, I knew you could!
posted by -atomik kitten @ 12:22 PM   0 comments
23 September 2006
Unpractical blood pressuer...
Silly blood pressure...it needs to learn to behave. I went into the doc this morning to get my BP checked. They had a difficult time finding it. So now I have to go back this week to keep letting them test it. You know you have a good doc when they can tell you look like crap and you don't get offended. LOL It is true, I generally feel like death warmed over by a waffle iron in the morning. That's just a part of Lupus for me. But now I get to go back again. Seems the last few days it's been either too high or too low.
posted by -atomik kitten @ 11:35 AM   0 comments
21 September 2006
Guidelines 14-19
14. You shall not blame law enforcement for your short comings in the parenting department.

Let me give you a brief synopsis. Three young boys were playing together outside. The supervising adult went in the house and left the children unattended. The boys vanished. They were found two days later dead in the trunk of a vehicle on the property that they were playing on. Apparently, the suspension system that supports the trunk did not work. When the boys got in, the lid slammed shut. The trunk was insulated; no one heard their cries. They lived for 13-33 hours before dying from lack of oxygen. Now one of the mother's wants to sue the police. The police searched!! Yes they should have searched the trunk of the vehicle. Yet I have to ask myself - why were three young, rambunctious boys (being a mother of boys and my mother in law raised three boys) left alone outside even for a second? Make them go in when you go in! Children get into trouble. That is just a fact of life. I hope that if the family sues, it gets thrown right out of court. I also hope the rest of her children (if she has others) are taken away. Why was it not only the responsibility of the police but the responsibility of the parents to search the *entire* property? That is the first thing you do. I know from experience. DS3 wondered off when he was about 18 months old. It did not take me two minutes to realize he was missing. My husband started checking all the nooks and crannies of the house, car and property; I took off down the street. He wondered over to a neighbor's house down the street to play; thank GOD we lived on an Air Base and didn't have a lot of traffic. My point is: we looked EVERYWHERE. If you have an abandoned car on the property, you know those boys are going to be climbing on it and playing on it when you aren't around. If they had not been left alone outside, this would not have happened. My condolences go out to the family and I applaud the family of one of the deceased for decided NOT to sue. For the other parent: you have no one to blame but yourself so don't make everyone else suffer, don't cost the taxpayers money defending the police, and don't clog up the judiciary system. Shut up, accept your guilt, and go on with your life.

15. You shall not leave your children in the hot car.

*sigh* Bad parenting is one of my pet peeves. Maybe it's because I was abused as a child. Maybe it's because I just hate stupidity. Oklahoma is mourning the death of two children this week because their parents "forgot" they were in the car. One was a 9 week old baby girl. I believe the other was a little boy (walking age I think). Here's the deal. Newborns scream. They scream when they are wet. They scream when they are dirty. They scream when they are hungry. They scream sometimes and we don't know why. If they aren't sleeping, they are screaming. Once a parent is in the house and realizes there is no screaming or no mom cooing the baby or no dad getting spit up on, wouldn't you immediately realize something is wrong? How do you forget you left your nine week old baby in the car? I don't care if she was asleep. For those of you without kids - if you had a dog and you took your pet for a ride and your pet fell asleep in the backseat until you got home, would you forget your dog was back there? I am all for believing in "Mommy Brain". For those that don't have kids, it is a self diagnosed condition (sort of like deficient noun disease) where a new mother forgets things. You might take the diaper bag but forget to pack it (guilty as charged!). You might forget appointments. You might forget a television show you wanted to watch. You might forget eggs at the store. You do NOT forget your baby is in the car. Don't leave your kid in the car because you can't find a baby sitter. I guess that just means you will have to put your kid before your job (and if you lose your job then you will just have to find another - is an eight hour day, less than $80 per day, worth your child's life?). Okay I am ending this now because I am getting a little upset about this whole thing.

16. You shall not attempt to bathe a cat unless you are a professional.

Yes, this includes cats with their front paws declawed. They learn to do with their back paws what they used to do with their front paws. Tying their legs together won't work; neither will putting a sock on their head (how would you wash their head?). Yes, I know some cats need to be bathed. However there is something to be said about liquid Benedryl. Give them 1/2 a tsp (consult with your vet) to sedate them and then wear raw hide gloves to bathe the cat. My husband came up with a fabulous way to bathe cats. We took a ferret cage and staked it to the ground with some of that blue plastic sheeting under it (what good is a bath if they are fighting you in the mud?). He tossed Stripe in (22 lbs and cranky) and closed the lid. First off, our cats are indoor cats. They have always been indoor cats. They don't like being outside. Next, he took a Mr. Clean Automatic Car Wash (which SUCKS at washing cars) and put Dawn dish detergent (kills fleas) in it. He then proceeded to spray the cat with a water hose. Of course the cat goes nuts. He even starts climbing the cage which makes my husband's job even easier! He now has access to that big, fat belly that happens to drag the ground. Of course the cat is howling and carrying on. I am laughing so hard that I can't stay on my feet. I sit down in the grass and that brings my dog running. She proceeds to start licking me in the face. My four year old brings some towels out. Oh man, Stripe is ever so angry! We get him out and the first thing he goes to do is try to swipe my face with his front paws. So I just wrap him in the towel tighter and take him back in the house. Sonny was a different ball game all together. He still has front claws. We got him outside and in the cage easily enough. After that it was like Mortal Com-cat and Paws of Fury. I said, "Uh-uh. I am not sticking my hands in that cage to get him out until he calms down." The cage was in the sun so I just sat out in the yard and watched him dry (which was just a tad bit more fun than watching paint dry). My brother in law tried to bathe them the night before here at my house and he got tore up! Of course I had no clue what I was talking about... I guess that is what happens when you don't listen. Okay, well I will close this rule for now. I decided to email Mr. Clean and let him know what I think of their product:

I bought an AutoDry Carwash when they first came out on the market last year. I was VERY disappointed in it. I still had to go back over and use a rag to get the car clean. So for the last year, it has set in a closet. Yesterday we found a great use for it. We staked a ferret cage to the ground, stuck our cats in it (one at a time), put Dawn dish detergent in it, and proceeded to give our cats a flea bath. Not only were we able to bath our cats without getting torn apart, they had a streak free shine.

17. You shall not host sex parties for your children.

I can't even believe this crap. For once, it did NOT take place in Oklahoma. Throwing a sex party for your teenager, screwing his/her friends, and providing them with drugs doesn't make you a cool mom. It makes you an idiot. I've seen this woman's picture she does not even come close to falling into the "MILF" category. More like "MTGIU"; Mothers That Give It Up (because they cannot get a real man).

18. You shall not starve your four year old and lock him in the closet.

'This was torture': Boy malnourished, kept in closet

By Sheila K. Stogsdill
The Oklahoman

BRAGGS - For longer than he can remember, a 4-year-old boy subsisted on ramen noodles and a makeshift oatmeal mixture and endured beatings and handcuffs, all for wetting the bed, investigators said Monday.

"This was torture," said Tim Brown, a Muskogee County sheriff's detective, who called it "the worst child abuse case I've ever seen."

The boy weighed 26 pounds when he was found June 25.

Gore police responding to an anonymous tip of neglect found the child malnourished and severely beaten. Muskogee County Sheriff Charles Pearson said the child was staying with his aunt, Sharon Smith, who was later charged in Sequoyah County in connection with the case. She is free on bail, he said.

Sheriff's deputies later searched the Smith residence in Braggs, finding a dilapidated trailer with no electricity or running water. The home had a large hole in its roof, and its bathroom contained a trash bag for holding human waste, Brown said.

The child's mother, Melanie Smith, 24, and her half-brother, Roy Albert Smith, 20, are being held without bail in the Muskogee County jail.

They are charged with child abuse, neglect and child endangerment.

"People knew this was going on and did nothing to stop it. There should be a lot of people in jail," Pearson said.

When investigators found the boy, he had "bruises upon bruises" all over his body plus open wounds on his feet, the result of dropping two, 2½-pound dumbbells.

Brown said the boy told him his punishment included being forced to hold the weights above his head. When his arms weakened, he would drop the weights on his head and feet, the child told Brown.

He said the boy told him his mother eventually taped the weights to his hands and put a football helmet on his head.

In the first few days after his rescue, the boy walked with a small cane and had patches of hair falling out, Brown said. In the month he has spent in foster care since then, the boy has gained 9 pounds, Brown said.

He said the boy told him he was forced to pick up boulders, and when he could not, he was handcuffed and tied up.

Brown said when he searched the house, he found no children's toys or books, simply one stuffed animal. When arrested, Roy Smith was carrying $1,600 in cash.

The Smiths face a Nov. 10 preliminary hearing.

When investigators asked the boy how much time had passed since he'd had a bath, he couldn't recall, Brown said.

They also asked him if his family had ever celebrated his birthday, and he said no.

"He didn't know what Christmas was," Brown said.

The boy told investigators his mother would hit him in the side of his face with a closed fist, and that he was kept in a closet most of the day.

"He looked like he was from a third-world country," Brown said.

The kitchen's cupboards were bare, but Brown said he found plenty of dry and canned dog food, plus shampoo and vitamins for the Smiths' two dogs.

"The dogs were in better health than he was," Brown said.

Contributing: Tony Thornton
There are some people you just pray that God will allow you to come across them in a dark alley. Vengence is mine, sayeth the Lord (but I sure hope He sees fit to let me help!)

19. You shall not state the obvious in a news headline.

Edmond Firefighters Say Arsonists Behind Porta Potty Fires

C'mon now. Isn't this a bit obvious? Have you ever heard of a portable toilet to just combust on its own (not including being on top of a punctured gas line and some schmuck lighting up while he's taking a poo)? An arsonist? Are they sure it was an arsonist? I mean, what if it was a purple flying hippo? Yes I know...I am getting way too involved in Age of Mythology. A friend of mine wondered if the arsonist thought he/she was "hot ****". Ha ha ha..
posted by -atomik kitten @ 7:46 PM   2 comments
Case Study for Guideline Six
Men are so simple! That is not an insult. I love how simple they are. Dr. Laura was once told by a man that if a man isn't horny, make him a sandwich. Last night, my husband was leaving for Wal-Mart around 11:00. It had been a long day; our four year old was diagnosed with Scarlet Fever and our seven year old has strep throat (yes I know they are essentially the same - the rash is the only differential). Jacob (4) was asleep in the recliner. Bryan (7) was feeling a bit better and was playing on the computer. I was laying in the floor.

"I'm going to Wal-Mart to get some razors. Do you want me to pick up anything for you besides tin foil?"

I tried to buy tin foil all weekend and kept forgetting it.

"Yeah - bring me back something that says you love me."

DS1 gets tired about ten minutes after my husband left, so I put him in the other recliner (so it's easier for me to keep an eye on them; they sleep in bunk beds and I didn't want Bryan getting up sick and dizzy and falling off his ladder). I went on to bed. I vaguely remember my husband waking me up to show me something. I murmured, "Oh yeah. Great. Thanks." Then I went back to sleep. This morning when I got up, I wondered if I only dreamt that he woke me up. I got ready for work and grabbed my purse. I started digging for my car keys. He had stuck a keychain on it (I used to collect keychains) that says, "I love you!" and put a pack of my favorite gum in my purse.

See? Men are simple. Respect them and love them. They will kill themselves trying to please you.

I love you, dear.
posted by -atomik kitten @ 7:45 PM   0 comments
Guidelines 11 - 13

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the USRSF. US Redneck Special Forces. These North Carolina, South Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Georgia, Texas, Oklahoma and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pick up trucks, country music or Jesus.

5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

This mess in Iraq should be over in a week.

Support your troops (because I don't see your liberal behind in fatigues; and YES I can talk - my husband PROUDLY served his country, my brother did too, and my brother in law currently is serving)! For all my jar heads, fly boys, squids, dogs, and weekend warriors - thank you and I love every single one of you. I am praying for your safe return and I thank you, again, for your courage.

11. You shall not ask when an Apostolic Pentecostal woman is going to finally cut her hair.

If you know they are Pentecostal, not only that but oneness apostolic pentecostal, don't ask her when she is going to cut her hair. First, do some research and learn about our doctrine. Note that I did not ask you to agree with it. I am only telling you to respect it. Second, don't be surprised when we say, "When hell freezes over - which will be a very long time. We don't know when Jesus is coming back and then hell is going to be locked up for 1000 years. I think it's going to be a while." Can you all believe I've actually had a hair dresser say she wasn't going to perm my hair (about four years ago) because I wouldn't let her trim it? Can you all believe I took my business elsewhere?

12. You shall turn your cell phone off during a software demo.

At least put the thing on vibrate. A little common sense (oh wait...maybe I should think about where I am posting this) would tell you that we are there to learn about a $8000 program - not listen to you chat about your grandchildren. I am sure your grandchildren are wonderful but I don't think the software company wants to waste their long distance money waiting for you to shut up. Oh, and turn it off the FIRST time - I don't want to hear it four or five times. I don't care about your family life or what you are doing for lunch or what the weather is like.

13. You shall not consume mass quantities of alcohol during pregnancy.

You know, I am not even going to add commentary; the article will say enough.

Dewey mother charged in abuse of her newborn

By Chad Previch
The Oklahoman

BARTLESVILLE -- A 37-year-old Dewey woman was arrested after giving birth while she was drunk, police said Thursday.

Melissa Irene Tanner was charged with felony child neglect after her daughter was born with a blood alcohol content of .21, about 2½ times the legal limit for an adult driver.

The baby is suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome and is in a foster home, according to court records.

Tanner's blood alcohol content was .29, according to an investigator's affidavit.

After giving birth, Tanner was asked what she will name her newborn daughter, and she replied, "Maybe 'Milwaukee's Best,'" a witness told an investigator. Milwaukee's Best is a brand of beer.

"I thought, 'This lady really cares about her kids,'" Washington County Undersheriff Dennis Nix said Thursday. "A little baby like that born into this world's got to deal with that and everything else. It's just a sad situation.

"She's not much on motherhood."

Tanner told police she had eight beers June 30 at her home. She fell off her porch and was taken to Jane Phillips Hospital where her daughter was born, weighing 6 pounds, 2 ounces.

After the birth, Tanner told authorities she and her boyfriend had consumed a 24-pack of beer that day, records show.

Tanner at first told hospital staff she wasn't aware of her pregnancy but later said she attempted to make an appointment about her pregnancy two months ago but never went, an investigator said.

"I doubt very seriously she'll ever get custody," Nix said of Tanner, who was still in Washington County jail Thursday. Her bail was set at $30,000. She has a court date scheduled Aug. 5.

Tanner pleaded guilty in 2002 to felony bail jumping, records show. She also has a record of domestic abuse and resisting arrest.

posted by -atomik kitten @ 7:39 PM   0 comments
Guidelines 8 - 10
8. You shall not rob a bank with your thirteen year old son.

Okay - first off, you should not be robbing banks at all. However if you just cannot control the urge, leave your thirteen year old out of it. Yes, we all understand that you are a loser - must you pass it on to your son? Whatever happened to wanting more for our children?! Something tells me that I better add that I am not talking about a more extensive criminal record.


9. You shall pick up after yourself in the grocery store.

I decided to waste part of my lunch hour and run to the local Wal-Mart Neighborhood Grocery Store. I had to pick up what my husband (BTW happy SOKO anniversary #10 dear!!) and I refer to as liquid crack. It might be known to most of you as Mountain Dew. I keep a case at work - anyhoo.... I am wondering down the aisles trying to find a cube (24 pk) instead of a 12 pk. I took a trip down the pasta aisle to get to the other end of the establishment. Lo and behold a woman was getting a box of pasta. She knocked a box into the floor, turned around and looked at it in the floor, and proceeded to walk off. Hello? Your mother does not work here!! Turn your lazy behind around and pick up after yourself. Do you really think the stockers and cashiers get paid enough at Wally world to *want* and *enjoy* picking up after you?! Do you really think I want to stop what I am doing and pick up after you so some old lady doesn't trip over it? If my seven year old son and four year old son can pick up after themselves when they knock something off of a shelf then what is so hard about it for you?

10. You shall not put a child in a coin operated washing machine (or any washing machine).

Where on EARTH has common sense went? I should not even have to post this! You know, I've heard of people putting cats in microwave (which I don't condone) but what in the world was this kid thinking by putting his sister in to a washing machine?? Oh wait - he wasn't thinking..

posted by -atomik kitten @ 7:30 PM   0 comments
Well...monkey butts...
Okay, so this is for me. Shall I tell you about my week starting LAST Friday? I woke up at 5:30 AM, got the boys ready for school, they caught the bus at 6:40...I went on to work. When I got home that night, we jumped in the car and drove 170 miles to Arlington to go be able to go to Six Flags. We got there about 11 that night. The Cop Magnet was sick. The boys took the King size bed and we slept on the floor because the fold out bed was crap.

Saturday, we were up by 7. We ate breakfast and we were at the gates by 9:00 in the morning. We were there until about 2. I rode most of the rides with the boys since The Cop Magnet was sick. I drove most of the way home (he drove the first twenty or thirty miles). When we got home, I started laundry, went to the grocery store, cooked dinner, did the dishes and want to bed about midnight. The three boys had me up by 7 on Sunday. So, I got my Sunday School lesson ready, did the laundry, gave all three kids a bath (rather insured that they took them), went to church (church is at 2), taught the pre-school class, left around 4 something, went back to the store, came home and ate dinner, did another load of laundry, and went to bed about 10. Okay, repeat that for the last three days and add one ladies meeting, two papers, one quiz, two classes, helping kids with homework, a sick husband, and an abscessed tooth.

I was finally able to go to the dentist today. I have an abscess (which I knew). He prescribed an anti-biotic and Darvocet. I said fine but I wasn't going to fill the darvocet because the tooth doesn't hurt. The nurse came and took my blood pressure. Okay, for the record I am 5'4 and 123 pounds (I gained two pounds)...my blood pressure is typically VERY low (think 90 something over 30 something). My blood pressure was 186/113. I told her there was no way that could be right! Just NO WAY!! So she waited about five minutes and came back (this is one of those digital cuffs). It read as 169/108. So then I got to go see my doctor. I called and told them (since I have Lupus). My BP has only been high two other times. It went up when my dad died but I was sick and my mother was stoned out of her mind. The other time was when I had heart trouble before I had surgery. I wanted to go in Saturday which was met with a hearty, "You must be insane as well as hypertensive...get your butt in here."

So, back to Noble I went with DS1 in the back. When I got there they took me straight back. It started to come down and eventually it was down to 130/90 which is still high (for me). I told him about the dentist. He asked me if I was afraid of the dentist. I am but not THAT afraid. He didn't DO anything other than look at my tooth. He asked me if I have a high pain tolerance...well let's explore that:

1995 - broke hand by punching a wall and breaking the stud. I didn't go to the doctor for a week because it didn't hurt. It did hurt when they rebroke it. I was 16 almost 17.

1996 - jumped down a flight of steps to get over a baby gate to get to my niece who was about two or three at the time and she was hurt or something. Busted my knee up pretty good but didn't go to the doc until it started swelling.

1998 - 8 hours of hard labor (not to mention the previous day before in labor) with no pain medication. Natural child birth, no f-bombs or any other unsavory words, and only squeezed the nurse's hand so hard I broke it.

2002 - needed to have my foot broke to have a metal bar put in it. No crutches and no pain meds. Had heart surgery and woke up during surgery. It hurt but no crying.

Get the picture? Okay, so I guess I do have a high pain tolerance. He said that my BP is up because I am in pain and don't realize it and yes I was going to have the pain med filled and I was going to take it or he was going to call The Cop Magnet. Tattle tale.

He also told me I had to go home and do nothing which sucks because I was supposed to teach children's church tonight and had some awesome games planned. sniffle

So here I am...wired up from darvocet (did I mention that most pain medications including morphine during surgery make me hyper?) and just feeling like crap.

The Cop Magnet is out trying to fix the Z. DS3 is running the house in his undies. DS1 is watching cartoons. Dumb dog is here at my feet. Fat Cats are around somewhere. I am feeling bad (as in depressed) because now I can't vacuum, do the dishes, or finish the laundry. Yes, I know The Cop Magnet is perfectly capable of doing that but when I want it done, I want it done NOW.

Big Baldy (my brother that is six years older than me) is in AZ (he's an OTR driver, 6'4" and about 260 pounds) is mad at me. He found out about my non-stop going. I got "the lecture".

Sigh. Cheer me up already.
posted by -atomik kitten @ 6:53 PM   2 comments
20 September 2006
Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen things that help me have a good day

  1. Not getting up at 5:30 AM. The kids' bus comes at 6:40 AM and I have to be in OKC by 8:00. I am usually there by 7:30 so I listen to a lot of radio. LOL
  2. Seeing people bid on my auctions. I just learning to sell on ebay. I used to buy quite a bit. I've found that Turbo Lister is so much easier than doing it online (and I don't have to be online).
  3. Boca Java Villi Vanilla (use the BloggerFuel link under Affiliates).
  4. Having something good to blog about.
  5. Someone doing the dishes besides me. :)
  6. Not having an abscess under my tooth.
  7. Hearing about how much fun my sons had at school.
  8. Watching the Sooners win (Sooners 33, Ducks 27, Pac 10 refs 7).
  9. Going to Yahoo Answers and having some fun with the people that post stupid questions.
  10. Having a really good chicken caesar salad.
  11. Going to church.
  12. Having The Cop Magnet tell me I'm hot.
  13. Having a good breakfast.
Boring, huh? Leave me a comment and I'll visit your TT too!!
posted by -atomik kitten @ 8:30 PM   26 comments
Guidelines 6 & 7
6. Women shall not assume that men have mind reading capabilities.

I have yet to meet a man that can read minds; most flunked out of Mind Reading 101. If you want something or need something - let them know in a clear, concise way. Don't hint around because 99% of men will not get it. For instance, if I want something for my birthday I tell my husband *exactly* what I want. It saves him the stress and it saves me from getting something I didn't want/need. Men are not women and they do not shop (or think) like women. Just as a mother talks to a two year old on their own level, wives should talk outright to their husbands. Otherwise, don't go crying to your girlfriends when you get a bowling ball and you don't bowl.

7. Do not expect me to accept your stupidity because we are related.

Do you honestly think that I am just going to take your stupidity in stride? Don't you think it is time to grow up a little and think about your actions before hand? I wonder if someone could explain to me why family members that are lacking in thought expect the rest of us to accept it. Sorry, I might not be the brightest crayon in the box but I am certainly not the least used either. If your stupidity leads you into huge problems, do not come crying to me (especially when you are twice my age).

posted by -atomik kitten @ 4:51 PM   0 comments
Guidelines for the Intellectually Challenged
Opening and Guidelines 1-5:


Welcome to "Guidelines for the Intellectually Challenged"! I am your host (for those of you with an IQ exceeds that of the backside of a horse) and your instructor (for those of you who are in apparent need of assistance on how NOT to be stupid) Robin. Why did I start this site? Because, quite frankly, stupidity bothers me. I am here to teach you, my little darlings, how to be a rational person. Normal? No. Sane? Probably not. Looking like you could be normal and sane? Maybe. So sit back and enjoy the ride (and do take notes).

If your child is under the age of five, you shall NOT leave him unattended outside.

Recently, an 18 month old baby girl died here in Oklahoma because a man backed over her with his truck. When he first started to pull out he observed a group of children in the road. He waited for them to move. When he looked back again, the road looked clear. Apparently this baby dropped her toy cell phone in the road and bent over to pick it up. The driver never saw her. He did everything he could to save her. He yelled for the parents and no one came out. He picked her up and carried her door to door to find the mother. Now the family of that poor baby hold no hard feelings against the man that ran their daughter over. I wouldn't either; I have two sons (ages seven and four). The driver did not see her because she was getting something off the road. Where in the WORLD was this baby's mother? Don't tell me how fast small children can dart out - I have two of them and when I even had the inkling that my youngest little booger had the notion of wondering off, I bought a baby leash. Where was the mother? Where was the mother? Where was the mother? I'll tell you where she is now: suffering in her own world of grief, agony and guilt because she turned her back. She has to live with that for the rest of her life and frankly I think she ought to be charged with manslaughter. Oh, but Robin, you are being so harsh. Darn straight I am. She was STUPID and KILLED her daughter because she apparently had better things to do than keep an eye on her.

Men shall not wear pink.

I have so many thoughts swirling in my wee little head over this one. I just don't know WHERE to start first. What they hay - I'll start at the one that will tick the most people off (hateful comments don't bother me in the least - in fact they make stupid people look, well, stupid). PINK IS FOR THOSE OF THE FEMALE SEX! It doesn't make you look sexy, sensitive, or even cool. It makes you look like you want to be a girl. If any normal woman wanted to be with someone that wears pink, she would be with another woman. Men should dress like men and women should dress like women. Now if you *want* to be a girl, that is your sick and twisted business so obviously I am talking to normal, every day men. Men wearing pink - yet another feminist plot to cut the balls off of American men.

You shall not forward spam.

This site says it best: http://www.softlab.ece.ntua.gr/~sivann/pub/swf/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf . However for those of you too stubborn to visit it: you are not really so naive as to think Bill Gates is going to send you money for every message you send, are you? Has it ever occured to you that he has better things to do with his money (like continue his take-over of the world). There is no Pepsi can that removed the words, "Under God". There is no e-mail tracking program. Congress is not passing a bill to charge us five cents per e-mail that we send. For the love of all creation, verify your information. Don't believe everything you read (should that be another rule?).

You shall not diss your co-workers while you are in a bathroom stall.

Did it ever occur to your feeble little mind that you don't know when that co-worker will walk in to the bathroom? I know some of you are thinking, "Ha! I can talk about co-workers of the opposite sex." No - still not a wise idea. How trustworthy is the moron next to you that is listening to your drivel? What about non-gender specific restrooms? However I digress - this is for the idiot that participates in gossip about a co-worker of the same sex. Quite frankly, mindless wonder, those of us with a working brain in our head could care less what you think of us. Take your petty jealousy and go home. We are smarter than you on our dumbest day. We are here to do a job - not to make a friend (or to wipe your nose).

You shall not treat terrorists better than law abiding citizens.

I want to know who's bright idea this is: let's treat prisoners at GITMO better than 80 year old ladies that have owned their homes for 60 years. Terrorists (and suspected terrorists) are FAR more important than tax paying, law abiding citizens. Let's make sure we give them three squares per day up to THEIR dietary standards, handle their Korans with gloves (which I personally have no problem with), and keep a roof over their heads. Yet let's take away Granny Jones' home because her land would be so much better suited for a Wal-Mart or a mall. Hello? Is anyone home? Idiots.

Here is the thing about eminent domain (take notes): the government has the right to condemn property if they justly compensate the owner of that property *and* the land is going to be for public use. So tell me how building luxury condos is public use? Do we all get to go in to those condos and use the amenities anytime we want?
posted by -atomik kitten @ 11:48 AM   2 comments
Some of you already know...
That I am also the owner of Guidelines for the Intellectually Challenged (hosted on blog-city). I am also moving them to this blog. Now, several of the guidelines will be in one post but feel free to comment on them even though some of them are over a year old. This may take me only today or it may take me a few days. I will update the guidelines with pictures as I can find them.
posted by -atomik kitten @ 11:47 AM   0 comments
My opinions on recent news events
So yesterday when I got in from work, The Cop Magnet was watching (or rather listening to) Fox News Channel. The boys were playing Koley (a game they made up that is half La-Crosse and half street hockey) out in the yard so I immediately set to work in the kitchen to fix supper. The Cop Magnet has a sinus infection and something else that the doctor said is contagious.

I dropped (literally) everything (good thing nothing I had in my hands was breakable) and went running back to the Living Room when I heard that the Missouri baby was found alive. I am so glad to hear some good news being reported. On one hand, I can really empathize with the woman that kidnapped the baby (just hear me out). I'm a mom. While I've never miscarried or had one of my children pass away, the very thought of it makes me sick to the very pit of my stomach. I see how she wanted to feel the void. Then, the rational side of me (the smart side) says, "What the heck was that psycho thinking? You don't slash someone's THROAT and take their kid. You adopt. You try again. You foster. You become a Big Sister." Okay, so maybe we don't want that crazy becoming a parent. As a mother, I can't see how anyone (including someone that has lost a child) could want someone else to feel that same grief.

It makes me think back to when that crazy chick in California threw her kids to the sharks off that cliff. People should have IQ and psychological tests as soon as they hit puberty and from there, they should have it done every other year or so if they ever want children. On the other hand, I'm a certified nut job. I wouldn't pass psychological testing to see if I am "normal". But I'm the crazy that everyone seems to like. I'm snarky, straight forward, and yet strangely compassionate when you think about the background I have. I'd never even consider hurting someone (unless it was in self defense...okay so maybe I would consider it but I would NEVER go through with it).

Then on my local news channel website I read about a first grader getting suspended over a watergun. Now, I could see it happening if the water gun LOOKED like an actual gun. But this? Come on, now. What the heck happened to common sense? Did they remember to bring their brain back from their college dorm when they graduated? Granted, I believe that it should have been taken away, a stern talking to, and a call to the parent(s) administered. I just do not understand a ten day suspension. That's a bit harsh for a six year old that brought an orange 2" water gun to school (you know, the kind you get at Wally world in the bag of 8 for a buck).

Let's not forget about Dog. Oh yes, you know I had to talk about it. I agree that morally he did the right thing by capturing Luster. That dude gave menace a new meaning. People like him should be gelded (a new term I learned from people that have horses he he he). Forget chemical castration (not that we do that enough anyway) - we should literally start castrating people like that. Yet, Dog knew that bounty hunting was illegal in Mexico. So - why didn't he detain the guy (maybe a little bar fight, "You talkin' about MY mama? Oh no, you just didn't..." and knock the guy out), call the Policia, and produce your wanted poster and say, "extradite his rapist butt back to states so the prisoners can...nevermind."

Did Dog honestly think (and I love Dog the Bounty Hunter, I do...I'm just trying to be reasonable) he could get away with breaking the law in another country? I'm not going to get onto the whole illegal alien thing but just suffice it to say that if someone entered our country legally and broke the law, they would be arrested just like the rest of us. I am sure it will all be straightened out and he won't get extradited. He'll probably pay some gigantic fee or fine.

Any opinions? Sorry that I didn't give you guys any kind of zany graphic. I'm at work.
posted by -atomik kitten @ 8:19 AM   0 comments
About Me

Name: The Little Woman-atomik kitten
Home: Oklahoma, United States
About Me: I guess you'll learn about me by visiting this blog.

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  • The Cop Magnet - my husband
  • Bry-onicle - my 9 year old son that loves Bionicle
  • Monkey Butt - my 7 year old son that loves adventure
  • Squarepants Star - my 9 year old step-son that loves Spongebob
  • Nana Beachy - my MIL
  • Big Baldy - my older brother
  • Dumb Dog - my very dumb turkish sheep dog (Anatolian Shepherd)
  • FC15 - my cat that weighs 15 pounds
  • Pup Dog - Boomer, our American Boxer
  • Unkey Monkey - my 19 y.o. brother in law
  • The Little Miss - my 3 y.o. niece
  • Fatty McChuckles - USAF BIL, father of The Little Miss
  • Peg Leg - the wife of Fatty McChuckles and mom of The Little Miss
  • Grandpa - Grandpa Joe; my husband's grandfather
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