36. You shall not date a crack addict for a second (and now third) time.
My mom and brother are both idiots. First let's talk about my mother. My dad died in September of 2004. Please don't send me condolences because I am glad he's dead (he was abusive). My mother is a mental case (certified). Last year she was living in sort of a half way house for folks with mental illness. She meets this guy that is legally blind and living there as well. He is a recovering crack addict and a retired Navy guy. He seemed nice enough but I was sort of reserved about it because, come on, my dad was a narcotics addict and my mom is a recovering addict and alcoholic so I know the bumpy road. So against better judgment, my mother and this guy move out and in together. Things seemed to be going fair to middling for about three months. She raved about how great this guy was. Well one little hitch in the story is that he is still legally married to some psycho (according to him) in Texas. So he started making trips to Texas to see an "attorney". Something smelled rotten in the state of Denmark. Well on one of these trips he doesn't come home for a week after his expected returning date. Of course my mom is fit to be tied. Not only does he come home, but he brings the soon to be ex wife home too to live with them!! Fast forward about a week...I get a call from my mom from my brother's house. She was staying there until she could find another place to live because her boyfriend stole all her money and went out and did crack. Can I say I told you so? Of course then she starts going off on what a jerk he is and how he was never nice to her and on and on and on. Did I mention my mother is a drama queen? So she moves out and in with some girl she knows. Then not a week later she moves out from there and in with some biker she met. She is raving about this guy and how she is going to marry him. My brother thinks he's grand. Me? I think you already know... I am skeptical. Not two months later biker dude kicks her out to move in some chick that is just getting out of the slammer. So then she moves into this rat hole apartment that she is still in. In the meantime she is dating (probably sleeping with) anything that walks and is of the male sex. Fast forward to today....
She calls me at work to tell me her "good news". She is getting back together with crack head. She can't understand why I am not happy for her because she "loves" him. He's changed. Uh, no. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. I just hung up.
So then I call my older brother. He's in his thirties. I asked him if he knew. He said he's known for two weeks or so and is supportive. He has a certificate from NA for 30 days sobriety. What difference does that make? He had one from the VA for six months and look what he did. He has a divorce decree. Big freaking deal. Doesn't mean he won't be dragging someone else home or stealing her money again. Oh, and then I was told that I shouldn't be so judgmental. After all, my brother trusts him enough to let his wife (my sister in law) drive crack head back to Texas by herself with him giving her $100 to do it. That's not trust - that is stupidity.
Someone please, please, please tell me I am adopted and I have a NORMAL family somewhere desperately searching to find me. So now as far as I am concerned, I am an orphan. Who wants to adopt me?
37. You shall not obsess over online games.
Okay, playing online games 24/7 (literally) doesn't make you 733t. It makes you 7@M3! If you can read that, you are indeed lame. Looks like you got pwnd by real life! 38. You shall not allow a 37 year old man to marry your 15 year old granddaughter.
I know you probably think you know where I am going with this. We can all obviously see the problem here. However I am not going to go there. Matter of fact I am going to debate on changing this rule or even adding another rule. The article said the grandmother found out about her grandson marrying the 37 year old when she was notified by the clerk. Here's my question: grandma, what on EARTH were you doing that you weren't able to nip this crap in the bud? Her butt would have been in jail had she been anywhere NEAR my fifteen year old boy. Sure, it's obvious that the 37 year old is crazy. Granny ought to be punished too. That is neglect. If you don't know who they are hanging out with, you've got issues. I am the mean mom. I am the mom that makes the other kids hang out at MY house so I know what my kids are doing. I am the mom that insists on my children staying in the yard. I am the mom that insists on meeting the parents of other children. I am the mom that drops in unannounced. Why is that someone old enough to be MY mother couldn't figure out to be doing the same thing?
39. You shall not marry the man that shot you and held you captive.
There are so many fish in the sea. Really, dear, there is no reason to wed someone that held you and your family hostage and then shot you. What's he going to do for your anniversary, set you on fire?
40. You shall not give a turkey an armed guard.
So today the official Thanksgiving turkey received his pardon. I heard that he is being taken to a Disney farm.....under the protection of armed police officers. Ladies and gentlemen might I present to you your tax dollars at work..
41. You shall not lie about being carjacked when you are cheating on your girl.
First, don't lie to your girlfriend about it. Second, it's probably not the brightest idea to lie to the FBI about it. The way to romantic bliss is not picking up a prostitute and running off with her because you are angry about something.
