To this special late-breaking edition of white trash news. I am your special reporter, the Hi-Empress of White Trash AKA PRACTiCAL CHiCK.
This morning’s first story is not white trash, but rather a tiding of good cheer. Lakshmi, the four armed and four legged little girl in India came through the 24 hour surgery to remove a parasitic twin and is recovering and considered to be in stable condition. She is expected to be able to live a relatively normal life. (Source: Foxnews.com)
Polygamous sect leader Warren Jeffs tried to hang himself in his jail cell back in January (source: Foxnews.com). Sadly, this was unsuccessful. Although one has to wonder why he didn’t try to hang himself for taking on too many wives (one is typically more than enough for any man). He could be sentenced to life in prison later this month and he may become the wife of a harder and more forceful criminal named Bubba who misses his kissing cousin and his sister terribly and will need lots of consolation from his new cell mate.
In other news, feuding spouses James and Lia Boldt are in court arguing over whether or not their 12 year old son should be circumcised. The father argued that he should be allowed to have the boy circumcised since he converted to Judaism back in 2004. The mother is against the procedure. This brings a whole new meaning to the hurt divorce brings to a child.
DC Children’s Museum Executive Director was arrested on charges of child porn. Wow – what a great place for a pedophile to work. The Hi-Empress will now avoid any and all children's museums at all costs…I’m just going to lock the young princes in their room until they turn of age. On the plus side, the museum cooperated fully with police (the dirt bag used his work computer for sending out child porn) and barred the director from the property. While you’re at it, I say chemically castrate him…but hey – what else would a mother say about a sex offender who obviously took the job just to get his rocks off by watching little children?
A burglar was charged with breaking into a church and using the phone to call sex lines. The church treasurer found him both times he was caught. You know, even if you aren’t a church going Christian, you have to draw some line of respect for someone’s place of worship. Ever heard of a Christian go into a Hindu temple simply to call the Beef Producers of America on what to cook for dinner? No? Well that’s because cows are sacred to Hindu followers. Find a payphone, pervert, or better yet go to sprawl mart and buy a $20 cell phone and feed it full of minutes.
Pregnant woman killed in what was described as a 30 women pre-planned brawl in Los Angeles. It started when Unique Bishop, 21 jumped into her car and rammed it into the victims. The woman that was killed was eight months pregnant. Dozens gathered to watch, but no one had the cajones to step up and do anything about it. Imagine that.
Thank you for watching and good day…and now you know the rest of the white trash story. This has been late breaking news of the Hi Empress. Over and out.
96. Don't tape a pacifier to the mouth of a newborn.
Disclaimer: I never claimed to be a perfect parent; I just claimed to have at least a small amount of common sense.
Look, for whatever reason...not all babies like pacifiers. Neither of mine would take one - I even tried again with Monkey Butt when he was several months old and had a severe problem with colic. When we think about newborns - they come into this world knowing just a few things: crying, Moro reflex, and how to suck. The problem is - newborns aren't always voracious suckers. Therefore, they will not always be able to hold on to a pacifier.
I get that it was a nursery and the workers can't always give individual attention (which is sad for those little babies)...but don't tape the pacifier to the baby's mouth. What happens if the baby spits up or throws up and then chokes? Can you say negligence?
95. Do not exorcise a three year old and do not allow anyone to perform an exorcism on your three year old.
I get it - some people are religions beyond means. I'm fine with that. I do not have a formed or an educated opinion on exorcisms. I don't know - Jesus just told the demons to be gone and they did. He didn't have to beat people or choke them. With that being said...
What the heck is wrong with this picture? The grandfather was trying to exorcise his three year old grand-daughter (yes, three years old). He was choking her. Her mom (19) was found in the room bloody and chanting. It took a couple of stuns from the cops to get the monster (read: the grandfather). He died. I'll try to hold back my grief.
The cops are only considering pressing charges against the mother. Considering.
Okay, here's a hint. I have three kids...three boys ages 9, 9, and 6. When they are 3, they are loud, obnoxious, and starting to try their hand at being mouthy (which didn't go too far with me). That doesn't make them demon possessed. It makes them children.
I so think there should be a common sense test for parents... Never mind.. I am not going there right now.
And the winner for the most creative spelling award is...
Whoever originally did the data entry on this 500 employer database: Dalax, TX...with a zip code that matches what the rest of us commonly remember to be called Dallas, TX.
Prize: a repeat trip through third grade geography!
94. You shall not stand on the bed when the ceiling fan is on.
Okay, this one is for my beloved husband, The Cop Magnet. The other night he stood up on the bed. He was just a little too close to the ceiling fan. It hit him so hard that all the dust bunnies went flying across the room.
The good news is that the ceiling fan is okay...why am I not worried about him? Because I know what a hard head he has!
93. Deaf mammals that give birth does not constitute worthy news for an RSS feed.
Look, I'm all for taking care of any kind of animal (unless he tastes good next to my mashed potatoes)...even if he or she has something we might consider a disability of some kind. I'm not a heartless person. I have two dogs, two cats, four guppies, one beta, and two hermit crabs. None are mistreated. Pup Dog thinks he's a lap dog and weighs almost 60 pounds. These animals are babied. I don't call the local news when FC-22 manages to jump from the kitchen chair to his little perch by the window without falling off.
I'm just not so sure that this is the kind of news I need on my desktop RSS. I don't watch the news when the kids are home. Reading it is the only way I know what is going on. Why do I need to know this? Especially when this is so much more fun to point at and go ha ha a la Nelson.
I honestly think that I am totally losing what little bit is left of my brain. I know that when I was 5 I got the math smarts knocked out of me by a Louisville Slugger by Big Baldy (he was 10). The story is (and I don't remember) that I walked behind him when was gearing up to swing. So that answers part of why I suck in math.
Do you know something disturbing that caught me today (and can you tell I'm off my meds)? The fact that liberals want to save the whales and save the trees and save the environment...but to hell with the unborn babies. Let's just make it legal to kill them while we use pork barrel politics to ensure that we don't drill into the barren areas of Alaska to bring down our dependency on foreign oil. NOTE TO ALL LIBERALS: IF YOU KILL THE BABIES THERE WILL BE NO MORE LITTLE LIBERALS TO CONTINUE THE QUEST TO SAVE WHALE BLUBBER.
I am just so sick and tired of the sheer stupidity that freaking surrounds me on a daily basis. I am tired of going out of my way to be nice to people. I know that I am not the most lovey dovey person (except when it comes to my kids)...and yet when I make an effort, I get griped at and they take it out of context or twist it around. I am sick and tired of being the bad guy. I really, really, really am.
I am tired of being treated like I'm stupid. So what if I have brain damage that affects my ability to do math? My IQ is over 140. Something tells me that I'm not too stupid. Do I act stupid sometimes? Sure, who the heck doesn't? But why does everyone else get the benefit of the doubt except me? I relate to children, keep them busy, and know how to make them feel like they are the most important things in the world - even kids that aren't mine.
I have Lupus. I'm sick with a really bad cold right now. I still have all the little neighborhood brats over to do crafts, drink Kool-Aid and play. I teach the girls how to behave as young ladies. I teach them that they don't need to use profanity to get their points across.
I teach boys how to build things (even though I suck at it). I teach boys how to throw foot balls and how to stand right to swing a bat. I teach boys to ride bikes and to get up and dust themselves off and try again. I stay up all night with puking little kids.
I am graduating with honors next year from college. I am completing a four year degree in just over two years. Yeah, I'm so stupid.
I am starting to come to the realization that being nice, and I mean ultra nice, just doesn't pay off when it comes to adults. Being civil? You bet. How hard is it for the neighbor to watch my kid for five minutes so I can run to the post office / gas station when I've kept their kids for hours on end all day...they eat my food, tear up my house (not literally), and most of them call me MOM. Yeah, I'm so worthless.
Yet here I sit so incredibly stressed out with my thumb bleeding like there is no tomorrow because physical pain sure in the hell beats out emotional pain any day of the freaking week. I am so ready to just stay OFF my medication so I can go back into that nice, safe black and white area where I just don't care what other people think of me.
But, for those of you that truly know me either in person or by regular correspondence, don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I just need to freaking decompress which is virtually impossible for me. I need a freaking vacation. I would love to have $1000 dollars and just take the kids on a nice long trip to Branson or Louisiana or something. Of course that's not going to happen because I am too over qualified to work at Subway or McDonalds or Pizza Hut. I got fired in February. It is now almost June. I send out my resume like crazy (and it is a DAMN good resume. I do awesome resumes). I've had a few interviews but no call backs and one rejection letter.
And to others that are accident prone...pay special attention when you are making instant potatoes. Otherwise if it sloshes, an entire tablespoon of bubbling potatoes will come out, roll down your shirt, bounce off your skirt and land on your foot resulting in a very nasty blister....
Okay, I know I'm grumpy. I've been up all night. Yet I know that some of my marbles are still in tact. Is there really a point to sentencing a guy to almost 2000 years if the most he can serve by law is only 20 years?!?!?!
92. You shall not put a child in a kennel for safe keeping.
Sure, we've all been tempted to do it (just be honest with yourself). Most of us settle for Nyquil and duct tape (just kidding) to keep the young'uns in line. If we need to be at a job or something we typically do the right thing and get a baby sitter. Doggy kennel does not equal child care. I do find it kind of ironic that the woman that did this is a jail counselor.
I took the boys to school this morning. Scratch that - I tried to take the boys to school this morning. Bry-onicle's school is across the street. Guess what happened? The car ran out of gas. I was so tired last night after church and after playing Bunco with the boys I forgot to go put gas in it. So I parked it on the side of the access road to the school and walked the rest of the way with the boys.
The problem was that Monkey Butt's school is about two miles away. Walking is a slight problem with my foot, but we set out anyway. I tried calling Nana Beachy and got no answer. I tried calling Poppy and he said he would try and get a hold of her. About the time we are leaving, my neighbor stops and said, "I knew something was wrong when I saw the Camaro parked on the side of the road. What happened?" I told her that we ran out of gas. So she took Monkey Butt to school and me back to the house.
The good news is that I found the gas can...and it was full! I also got my cardio in. Did you know that the car was approximately 1,015 steps away from White Trash Central? The bad news is that I parked in the mud...and Camaros don't do so well in the mud. I was able to get unstuck by throwing it in reverse and spinning out of it.
The boys went with me to Sprawl-Mart today.You see, it is tradition that as far as Mother’s Day presents go…I pick it out for myself.Now this doesn’t let my dear husband off the hook.He still has to make sure the cards are bought.
This year I received a pink Bunco set and an S-barrel curling iron.Of course the curling iron came with the standard warning about not forcing the plug into an outlet, don’t let little children play with it, don’t use it on wet hair, don’t use it and hairspray at the same time, and (my personal favorite) a picture of an eye next to a curling iron with little heat squiggles coming off of it that says, “Caution – This product can burn eyes.”It makes me wonder…who tried to curl their lashes with a curling iron?Not just any curling iron.This curling iron has 2” barrels – three of them.Who tried this and why wasn’t it on the news for us all to enjoy and poke fun at?
I should probably make this a guideline, but it's almost too stupid to post as a guideline. I am putting it in my new book, though.
We went to a home improvement store Saturday to look for a new dishwasher. The guy said to me:
"What are you going to use it for?"
It's a dishwasher - what in the world does he think I'm going to use it for? The Cop Magnet told me that I can't stick the cat in there.... He also asked me if a quiet machine would be beneficial. Quiet? What's quiet? I have three sons, two dogs, two cats, two hermit crabs, and a husband. What's the definition of that word "quiet"?
We ended up leaving and getting a new dishwasher from Best Buy. At least there they didn't ask me stupid questions...
91. You shall not evict a senior couple from a retirement community because they are raising their grandchild.
Oh for goodness sake! I know, I know...two guidelines in one night. Is it my fault that the world has gone stupid?
What are these grandparents to do - stick their 3 1/2 year old grandchild in foster care and let her get lost in the system both figuratively and literally?
I understand that this is a retirement community and that the grandma signed a contract stating that no one under 18 was allowed to reside there, but good grief Charlie Brown!
Where's the ACLU when you need them? Oh, wait...they probably aren't minorities.
90. You shall not do away with history at the risk of offending someone.
You've got to be kidding me.... Some places are going to drop lessons on the Crusades and the Holocaust to keep from offending people of other races?
Wake up!! This is our world's history they are trying to do away with. I don't like the Holocaust - but the fact remains that it happens. If we pretend to look the other way, what does that say about us?
Let's see...can I make of list of things that might offend or has offended my family? Can we do away with those?
Martin Luther King Jr. Day - Sure, he stood up for civil rights. I'm all for that and I am so glad that he did....but because of an uneducated teacher in Arkansas, my son came home crying when we lived in Arkansas because she said that white people think they are better than black people. Up until that day, my son had never even questioned skin color. So we need to get rid of that.
Halloween - Sure, it's fun to dress up and go trick or treating...but it's also a pagan holiday. So let's get rid of that.. To heck with freedom of religion - we don't want to risk offending anyone.
I think some people need to keep their heads out of their butts when they move up into these higher level administrative places. Is it the history's fault the teachers don't know how to properly educate a student without offending them? No.
People get offended. The world isn't perfect and it never will be. Get over it.
89. If you plan to commit suicide, do it the right way.
I know it is a free country...and I do not condone suicide. I'm just saying that two men that get together to kill themselves by cutting off their own arms should realize that, well, once you cut off three of the four arms...you are kinda screwed.
Yeah, I know that people can do some weird stuff with their feet. I can pick up practically anything (within reason) off the floor with my toes. Yet I still doubt (extensively) that I could manage to cut off one of my arms. Not that I'd want to.
88. You shall not instruct your toddler to stab his mother.
Not that I agree with a murderous instinct to begin with, but this just takes moron to a whole new level. At least the mommy lived and the little boy did not stab her. At least someone in that family has sense. The court is only putting $350,000 bail on this guy.
First degree assault, first degree reckless endangerment, first degree unlawful restraint, and threatening...where's the attempted murder?? Where's the corruption of a minor?? This guy should be locked up for the rest of his life. Screw rehab. While I am glad he didn't kill his teen bride, this idiot should be given the needle (personally I am a fan of the electric chair...or killing murderers in the fashion that they subjected their victims to).
Most of the wounds were superficial...but if he manages to make bond, they won't be superficial for a second time. A little piece of paper that says, "Don't go near her" won't stop that guy, either.
It is sad when you PMS without the proper female reproductive organs...did you hear the wind whistle through my ears as this conversation went totally over my head with my good friend Sis. G?
Me: great. i can't take nonverbal communication next semester. it is only 2 credits. i need five. so now i am stuck taking something i hate.
Sis. G.: I can't even pronounce it.
Me: yes i am whiny. i am PMSing without the proper female body parts.
Sis. G.: aww
Me: pronounce what [taking] social problems.
Sis. G.: the class you cant take lol
Me: trust me, they don't want my views on immigration
Sis. G.: oh my bad
Me:
Sis. G.: nonverbal. I thought you said something else, and I made a pun.
Me: i get it now!! that's pretty funny.
Yeah, I'm having an incredibly "blonde" night and I'm not even blonde.
it is only 2 credits. i need five. so now i am stuck taking something i hate.
