I honestly think that I am totally losing what little bit is left of my brain. I know that when I was 5 I got the math smarts knocked out of me by a Louisville Slugger by Big Baldy (he was 10). The story is (and I don't remember) that I walked behind him when was gearing up to swing. So that answers part of why I suck in math.
Do you know something disturbing that caught me today (and can you tell I'm off my meds)? The fact that liberals want to save the whales and save the trees and save the environment...but to hell with the unborn babies. Let's just make it legal to kill them while we use pork barrel politics to ensure that we don't drill into the barren areas of Alaska to bring down our dependency on foreign oil. NOTE TO ALL LIBERALS: IF YOU KILL THE BABIES THERE WILL BE NO MORE LITTLE LIBERALS TO CONTINUE THE QUEST TO SAVE WHALE BLUBBER.
I am just so sick and tired of the sheer stupidity that freaking surrounds me on a daily basis. I am tired of going out of my way to be nice to people. I know that I am not the most lovey dovey person (except when it comes to my kids)...and yet when I make an effort, I get griped at and they take it out of context or twist it around. I am sick and tired of being the bad guy. I really, really, really am.
I am tired of being treated like I'm stupid. So what if I have brain damage that affects my ability to do math? My IQ is over 140. Something tells me that I'm not too stupid. Do I act stupid sometimes? Sure, who the heck doesn't? But why does everyone else get the benefit of the doubt except me? I relate to children, keep them busy, and know how to make them feel like they are the most important things in the world - even kids that aren't mine.
I have Lupus. I'm sick with a really bad cold right now. I still have all the little neighborhood brats over to do crafts, drink Kool-Aid and play. I teach the girls how to behave as young ladies. I teach them that they don't need to use profanity to get their points across.
I teach boys how to build things (even though I suck at it). I teach boys how to throw foot balls and how to stand right to swing a bat. I teach boys to ride bikes and to get up and dust themselves off and try again. I stay up all night with puking little kids.
I am graduating with honors next year from college. I am completing a four year degree in just over two years. Yeah, I'm so stupid.
I am starting to come to the realization that being nice, and I mean ultra nice, just doesn't pay off when it comes to adults. Being civil? You bet. How hard is it for the neighbor to watch my kid for five minutes so I can run to the post office / gas station when I've kept their kids for hours on end all day...they eat my food, tear up my house (not literally), and most of them call me MOM. Yeah, I'm so worthless.
Yet here I sit so incredibly stressed out with my thumb bleeding like there is no tomorrow because physical pain sure in the hell beats out emotional pain any day of the freaking week. I am so ready to just stay OFF my medication so I can go back into that nice, safe black and white area where I just don't care what other people think of me.
But, for those of you that truly know me either in person or by regular correspondence, don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I just need to freaking decompress which is virtually impossible for me. I need a freaking vacation. I would love to have $1000 dollars and just take the kids on a nice long trip to Branson or Louisiana or something. Of course that's not going to happen because I am too over qualified to work at Subway or McDonalds or Pizza Hut. I got fired in February. It is now almost June. I send out my resume like crazy (and it is a DAMN good resume. I do awesome resumes). I've had a few interviews but no call backs and one rejection letter.
So now what?Labels: she's come undone, stupidity |
You know I love you but you can't tell me not to worry.