ROTFLOL - Monday is now going to be Mania Monday. I will get some kind of thing set up for yall to play next week. The goal is to post at least one funny video. Keep it under three minutes!
To help you get ready for hump day tomorrow, I am going to tell you a really tacky joke. Don't worry, no comedians were harmed by being put out of a job by my telling such a bad joke.
There's a woman that gets on a city bus and she's holding her baby. The bus driver says, "Good grief! That is such an ugly baby! I've never seen a baby that ugly in all my life!" The woman gets mad and slams her change into the till and huffs to the back.
She sits down next to this guy and he notices she is upset. He asked her what was wrong and she said that the bus driver offended her.
He said, "He can't talk to you like that. He's a public servant! He ought to be ashamed of himself saying something offensive like that."
She said, "You're right! I'm going to march right up there and give him a piece of my mind!"
He said, "Yes you should! Do you want me to hold your pet monkey for you while you go?"
Okay I stole this from Becki's blog. You can find her if you click the button that says "Vote for Becki".
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman sitting alone at the bar. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, good lookin’. How’s it going?”
She turns around, looks him straight in the eye and says, “Save the small talk buddy, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean…It doesn’t matter to me. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it.”
And he responded, eyes wide with interest…
“No kidding. I’m a lawyer too. What firm are you with?”
1. I know it is an "As Seen On TV" website...but I want to know what channel it was seen on. I can't think of a single channel that it would appear on aside from Skin-A-Max...
2. Is it any wonder that she is the spokeswoman? Wouldn't she cure even a dead man's ED? Look out Bob Dole - because ED is about to disappear!
Moving on...I should give the proper thanks to Praise Fiddler for doing her TT on As Seen On TV products.
I think this is a great product... I just hope no one decides to sue them for giving the public a bad idea... I don't think it is worth the price, though.
Ladies - can't get your husband to exercise? Try this product! Again, what channel was this advertised on?
Forget using a band-aid on those pesky, cold days... You can get your very own pair of nipple covers!
This is a tribute for him...he started off as the world's most annoying kitten and now he's the best full figured cat ever! So Monkey Butt thought this video fit him to a T because surely he has done everything in here! PC NOTE: After re-reviewing the video we thought you should know that he also did the aquariaum thing...but we had an Oscar in the tank..that bit him on the tail!
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the heck he wants.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take crap from anyone.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's freaking beef.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants. Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never screws up.
A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever asks him for his ID.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the heck Chuck Norris is.
The boys went with me to Sprawl-Mart today.You see, it is tradition that as far as Mother’s Day presents go…I pick it out for myself.Now this doesn’t let my dear husband off the hook.He still has to make sure the cards are bought.
This year I received a pink Bunco set and an S-barrel curling iron.Of course the curling iron came with the standard warning about not forcing the plug into an outlet, don’t let little children play with it, don’t use it on wet hair, don’t use it and hairspray at the same time, and (my personal favorite) a picture of an eye next to a curling iron with little heat squiggles coming off of it that says, “Caution – This product can burn eyes.”It makes me wonder…who tried to curl their lashes with a curling iron?Not just any curling iron.This curling iron has 2” barrels – three of them.Who tried this and why wasn’t it on the news for us all to enjoy and poke fun at?
So, you brought home a new Internet Troll. Congratulations! If you are a first timer having a troll, you may have questions. Here are a few suggestions so that you and your troll can live in karmic balance. Now remember, each troll is different and your results may vary. However, this primer should help you get on your way. Welcome to the world of having a troll!
How do I refer to my troll now that I have him/her?
First, your troll may show up already named. Yet, you will find the “pre-fab” names to be rather unoriginal such as Annonymous [sic], ihateyou or yousuck. Never fear, you can always change their name. If this is your first troll, I find that it is best to give him/her a soothing, happy name to remind you that they are really just helpless, sad creatures. A good name can make all the difference! I recommend something like FluffyLoveBunny or Silly Billy Chickie Boo. How scary is that? Not so much.
So your troll has a name! Congratulations! You are on your way!
How do I discipline my new troll?
Now as trolls are known to do, yours may act up from time to time. He or she may get down right nasty and vicious towards you. Remember: That is in their nature. They are inbred to act that way. It is just NOT their fault. (And rumor has it most of them were dropped on their head often as tiny, baby trolls.) Of course, your first instinct as you get used to your new troll is to lash out and want to punish them for being so incorrigible. That would be your first mistake! It only encourages their behavior. The best way to keep your little FluffyBunnyLove in harmony with you and your home is to ignore him or her. Unlike their human counterparts, neglect keeps trolls temperamentally neutral. Allowing them to see your anger or pain at their behavior merely encourages them to keep it up and makes them raging mean. Neglect. Ignore. Restore (the balance). Those are the keys to disciplining your new troll.
Now that I have a new troll, what do I feed him?
Like any wild animal, it is important to understand the indigenous nature of their diet. Your new troll may try to convince you that the best thing you can feed him is a diet of your anger, frustration and pain. Don’t listen. As any child can tell you, they will try to get away with anything they possibly can. It would be a mistake to listen to them. Your anger, frustration and pain is their main source of nutrition and growth and-- unlike human beings who need good nutrition and growth to survive-- it is vital that trolls maintain a steady diet of ambivalence and ignorant bliss to maintain their puny stature. As much as you want to punish him or her, remember that little FluffyLoveBunny needs to be ignored after he or she comes home with you. A steady diet of neglect will keep you living in harmony with your new troll!
Where do I keep my new troll?
That is a great (and normal) question! As with any troll, he or she will want to be front and center in your life. He or she will want your never-ending attention at all times. It is their nature. However, to live successfully with your new troll, you must remember to keep him or her locked in a corner or sitting so far in the back of the room that you forget her or she is there. Remember: Neglect makes this work! Don’t feel guilt. It is how this relationship was meant to be.
What if my troll runs away from me and never returns? Does this mean I failed as a troll owner?
Absolutely not! In fact, just the opposite. If your troll gives up in frustration and leaves you for another, that simply means you have done a good job in the care and feeding of your troll. Pat yourself on the back. You deserve it!
However, remember this: The troll population is diverse and re-spawns quickly. Don’t get too comfortable. Before you know it, another troll may follow you home. But, with this handy primer, you will be ready for the care and feeding of your troll!
Good luck with your new troll! May your journey be swift and painless!
