To this special late-breaking edition of white trash news. I am your special reporter, the Hi-Empress of White Trash AKA PRACTiCAL CHiCK.
This morning’s first story is not white trash, but rather a tiding of good cheer. Lakshmi, the four armed and four legged little girl in India came through the 24 hour surgery to remove a parasitic twin and is recovering and considered to be in stable condition. She is expected to be able to live a relatively normal life. (Source: Foxnews.com)
Polygamous sect leader Warren Jeffs tried to hang himself in his jail cell back in January (source: Foxnews.com). Sadly, this was unsuccessful. Although one has to wonder why he didn’t try to hang himself for taking on too many wives (one is typically more than enough for any man). He could be sentenced to life in prison later this month and he may become the wife of a harder and more forceful criminal named Bubba who misses his kissing cousin and his sister terribly and will need lots of consolation from his new cell mate.
In other news, feuding spouses James and Lia Boldt are in court arguing over whether or not their 12 year old son should be circumcised. The father argued that he should be allowed to have the boy circumcised since he converted to Judaism back in 2004. The mother is against the procedure. This brings a whole new meaning to the hurt divorce brings to a child.
DC Children’s Museum Executive Director was arrested on charges of child porn. Wow – what a great place for a pedophile to work. The Hi-Empress will now avoid any and all children's museums at all costs…I’m just going to lock the young princes in their room until they turn of age. On the plus side, the museum cooperated fully with police (the dirt bag used his work computer for sending out child porn) and barred the director from the property. While you’re at it, I say chemically castrate him…but hey – what else would a mother say about a sex offender who obviously took the job just to get his rocks off by watching little children?
A burglar was charged with breaking into a church and using the phone to call sex lines. The church treasurer found him both times he was caught. You know, even if you aren’t a church going Christian, you have to draw some line of respect for someone’s place of worship. Ever heard of a Christian go into a Hindu temple simply to call the Beef Producers of America on what to cook for dinner? No? Well that’s because cows are sacred to Hindu followers. Find a payphone, pervert, or better yet go to sprawl mart and buy a $20 cell phone and feed it full of minutes.
Pregnant woman killed in what was described as a 30 women pre-planned brawl in Los Angeles. It started when Unique Bishop, 21 jumped into her car and rammed it into the victims. The woman that was killed was eight months pregnant. Dozens gathered to watch, but no one had the cajones to step up and do anything about it. Imagine that.
Thank you for watching and good day…and now you know the rest of the white trash story. This has been late breaking news of the Hi Empress. Over and out.
I'm just saying that parents shouldn't live vicariously through their children. It is fine to feel incredibly proud of your child's academic or sports accomplishments. It's fine to maybe even brag (a little).
I'm just saying that if you cannot fit into a pair of baseball pants , you have absolutely no business yelling at a kid because he ran to third base instead of sliding into third base. Does it make a difference in a non-competitive off season league especially considering that the kid made it and was safe?
Yeah I know that even non-competitive leagues can still be a little competitive (kind of like how non-caffeinated coffee still has a little caffeine). Still, tell the kid what a great job he did because he made it and was safe. Tell him later if you think he could improve (or better yet - let the coach do his job...if you want to coach, then volunteer).
Nope, wasn't my kid involved. Bry-onicle was moved from the outfield to center field. Both his team and Monkey Butt's team won last night.
A big tree fell Thursday night around nine and got caught in some other trees. It was either going to hit our neighbor across the way's house or our cars. Either way, that sucker had to GO! So The Cop Magnet, neighbor 1, neighbor 2, and some guy we don't know went after it with a chain saw, big chain, and two big trucks. Three hours and screwed up yard later (not all of my yard because most of it is fenced - just the part next to the creek) the tree was down in the middle of the road. We used trash cans to block it off. Me and the other WT moms wanted to just leave it there. It keeps the teenagers from speeding through. We wanted to leave it and make our little area of the trailer park a dead end.
The owner wasn't having it. She said she was going to call the city and have them come and remove the tree - which elicited a hearty laugh from me....because we all know that city officials won't do CRAP on private property. Sure enough, I was right (imagine that).
More rain, hail, and snotty noses later I am still sick and The Cop Magnet called and yelled at the doctor today. Then me and the boys went out and caught a tadpole. Actually, I went in the water for it. I couldn't have them ruining their shoes. So we now have a baby frog to raise. I sternly informed them that when it gets lungs it gets OUT of my house.
We are leaving for Nebraska tomorrow to take The Little Miss home so if yall don't hear from me for a while you will know why.
Clean skin. A winning smile. That unforgettable Southern drawl.
Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am." "Yes, sir." "Why no, Billy!"
Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :
"Y'all come back!" "Well, bless your heart." "Drop by when you can." "How's your Momma?"
Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity Humidity Humidity
Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach The rivuh The crick
Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals Strapless sun dresses Iced sweet tea with mint
Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey Darlin' Shugah
Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes Driving Miss Daisy Steel Magnolias Gone With The Wind
Southern women know their religions:
Baptist Pentecostal Methodist Football
Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy Grits Eggs Country ham Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly
Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn S'vanah Foat Wuth N'awlins Addlanna
Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform. Men in tuxedos Rhett Butler
Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall The Country Club The Beauty Salon
Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails Having bad manners Cooking bad food
More Suthen-ism's:
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of"yonder."
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "rigt near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line," . we talk to everybody!
Put 100 Southerers in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" and go your own way.
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from theSouth, but I got here as fast as I could."
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !
Now...... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been!
If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your little heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could
Like asking for a date on a Taco Mayo sign. I hope it is still there when I head into town. I think I need a picture of it.
Picture this: overcast day...breeze whippin' through the magnolia trees...white flowers fallin' so much it looks like it's a snowin'. Yer name on the Taco Mayo sign askin' ya for a date...
Nothing says white trash love more...
Oh and note the label...it stands for Redneck, White Trash, and Blue Collar.
