2. Play count the fat belly dancers....I mean the ones that show WAY too much. We saw a few REALLY pregnant ones, too.
3. Ride a camel named Elkwood...that we renamed Humpy.
4. Watch the human jousting.
5. Buy your kids their first throwing knives and hunting knives.
Okay so most of those might not be considered fun by your standards...but you just had to have been there...especially when your six year old picks out a cold steel throwing knife.
So today we had flash flooding (the water from the creek by the house flooded out into our street, the field across the street is almost completely under water, Nana Beachy's yard is 3 feet under, and I saw some guy on the news doing the back stroke in flood waters up in the city), thunder storms so dark that the street lights came on, three tornadoes in this general vicinity, and then the sun came out and the rainbow looked like it stopped right behind our trailer...
Awww...just another little slice of white trash paradise..
I've been told many times that FC-22 needs to go on a diet. I think those folks are just jealous....anyhoo. I read this and thought one thing...we could feed the entire country of France with this bad boy!
Oh and our next door neighbor girl has a pet snail (though I don't know why). I asked her if she knew anyone that was French. She said no. I said good. She said why. I said because they'd eat him. She looked at me in horror.
In family law we are discussing parental kidnapping. Apparently back in the late 70s / early 80s a guy by the last name of Fagan kidnapped his two daughters and ran off with them. He raised them, took care of them, and the women still stand by him (I was going to say girls but they are grown now). He went to trial in the late 90s and was sentence to like a $100k fine to the charity of the mother's choice. We had to read an editorial about this guy and it pretty much blasted him. The dad claimed that his ex-wife was an alcoholic and neglected the girls.
Now I am not saying that what he did was right, but I am saying that if my kids were being neglected I wouldn't hesitate to do the same (but I'm a woman and the courts love women). The editorial never mentioned whether or not the mom was or was not an alcoholic or whether or not she did neglect the girls. It only focused on what a bad guy this dude was for kidnapping his daughters....even though his daughters (grown) said he was the best parent they could have ever wanted. He took care of them, got up at 3:50 AM to take them to swim practice, and frankly the only "good cause" most of the people in this class could come up with is that he denied the girls their mother.
No one really considered the fact (except for one or two others besides me) that he did what he thought he had to do. Guys don't get a fair shot in court. Sure, the courts will tell you they do...but they don't. Even though we've supposedly left the tender years doctrine, courts still use it. For the most part, that's fine. Most guys don't know what to do with a screaming baby, but they could figure it out if they had to.
What if she was an alcoholic? What if she was neglectful? What if he went through the system and was ignored?
To top it off, our other discussion thread this week is on the Hague Convention. Most of the class is made up of women...and almost everyone of them said that they'd run if they had too (like in instances of living in Saudi Arabia or Egypt...and even Mexico that has signed the Convention but doesn't really honor it). Yet this guy is being downed.
Can you say, "Double standard"? Sure... I knew you could.
Sneaky old devil (lame too, but I'll get to that in a minute). He likes to hide behind every bush, tree, and light pole within a saint-tripping radius. For such a sneaky guy, you'd think he could at least steal a car to keep from having to walk “to and fro” on the earth. But no, he's too lazy for that; he has to send out the little imps and demons to keep up with the flow of humans. So you see, the devil can't be behind every tree...he's not omnipotent like God. So while we are serving an awesome, all powerful, merciful, loving, and an every where all the time God we are also being (slowly) pursued by some imp, demon, or the devil who does not have that ability.
While God can read your mind, the devil can't (and neither can his imps). Sure, he can whisper in your ear; hey I am whispering in your ear right now with this. Yet he doesn't know what you are going to do until you do it.
Let's take a look at what the Bible says about the devil. He is called (in so many words) the prince of the air.
KJV Ephesians 2:2 Wherein in time past ye walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience:
Before God entered your life, sin was easy. You walked in the way of the world and it wasn't exactly rocket science for the devil to get you to do what you wasn't supposed to do. I bet you can think of five things off the top of your head right now, can't you? Who works in the children of disobedience? It isn't God (although He does work to soften their heart). Ever notice how before you got Jesus if you just thought about some rank sin that you was just itching to get yourself mucked up into? How easy was it to just think about it and then all of a sudden...there's your chance. You dive into it head first. Did you notice one thing though? No matter how delectable that sin seemed to be at the time, you never felt satisfied.
You always made things worse in some way, shape, or form. Oh sure, you might not have paid for the sin right then and there. Yet, it always still came around and bit you on the ankle. You always thought that you could go it alone and do better for yourself than what anyone else could do for you. To some extent, that was right. We do seem to know ourselves better than anyone.
Yet, God knows us better than we know ourselves. Our hairs our numbered and He knew us when we were in the womb. Once we repented, got baptized in the name of Jesus to rid us of our sins, got the Holy Ghost, and started living for Him we started to feel victorious. It was almost like a never ending high. Oh but what does the devil tell you? He says, “What goes up must come down. I'm going to get you. Do you remember that time you did such and such?” Once reminded of how awful we behaved, we start acting down. We start feeling like we aren't worthy of God's love and forgiveness. The devil sees it (or hears it in some cases) and he rubs his hands together and says, “I got you now, sucker!!”
The devil sees your depression and anxiety and he is laughing at you. He's holding you down with his thumb. The funny thing is that it probably isn't even the actual devil irritating you. He can't hide behind every bush – he isn't God. He can't be every where. It's probably just one of his low life little imps. Do you know what the little demons did when Jesus even walked by? They begged Him to cast them into a bunch of pigs. They are scared of His presence. Don't believe me? You can read it for yourself in Luke 8. They begged Jesus not to “torment” them. The imps were called Legion because more than one was giving this guy a hard time. Imagine that...the devil and his imps are such chickens that it takes a whole gang of them to even try and torment one person – just one person! They would rather toss themselves off a cliff than deal with the Lord of Lords.
So what does this mean to you, my Holy Ghost filled child of God? It means that the devil and his buddies can't bother you if you don't let them. Now that doesn't mean that you won't go through trials and that you won't be tempted. It doesn't mean that he won't try and whisper in your ear. What it does mean is that if you call on the name of Jesus, the devil has to leave you alone.
You don't have to come down from your Holy Ghost high! God wants you to be victorious! Instead of going back to your old ways, you have to learn to dig into Plan B. What is Plan B? Plan B is easier than it sounds: deploy the joy, baby! That's right! Find the joy in the every day things.
1. Stuck in traffic? Great! The next person that cuts you off, pray for them (because apparently they need God's hand of protection to get them home. Besides, maybe they are rushing home to a sick child).
KJV Matthew 5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you
Okay, so traffic isn't exactly persecution and the person that cut you off probably doesn't know you from Joe...but it is a good way to get into the habit of bringing prayer into every aspect of your life. Use that time in traffic to talk to your God and praise His name. He may have stuck you behind Pokey Joe to keep you from being in an accident. Deploy the joy, baby!
2. Fighting with your past? Not anymore you aren't. Tell the devil to shut up. While our righteousness is as filthy rags to God, when we repent and we are washed in the blood of Jesus something spectacular happens: He doesn't remember that sin. Besides, anxiety is forbidden in the Bible. So next time it starts up, remember these verses:
KJV Mark 4:19 And the cares of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the lusts of other things entering in, choke the word, and it becometh unfruitful.
KJV Acts 3:19 Repent ye therefore, and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord;
Find joy in the fact that you are saved from your past! So you were a cheat or a liar. You are God's child now! Sure, it might take some time to convince other people that you have changed. The important part is that God knows you have changed and people will begin to see it, too. Look at your testimony and see the joy in it! Be refreshed and relieved. Deploy the joy, baby!
3. Got whiny kids? Minister to them! Love on them and learn to change your attitude. Kids are very perceptive of how an adult feels. While we can't be happy all the time (and they won't be perfect all the time – there's an old saying that says if God can't get His children to behave, what makes you think your children will?), you can use that time to minister to their needs. This isn't to say that you should give in to your child every day and every second. God chastises us and sets limits. We also have consequences. Our children need limits and consequences too. This is your opportunity to show God to them. It's been said that a child sees God as they see their parents. If you are a kind and loving parent (and there is nothing wrong with being firm), they will see God as kind and loving; someone they can go to in their time of need. If you ignore them or constantly yell at them, they will begin to see God as a condemner and we know that's just not true.
KJV Matthew 19:13 Then were there brought unto him little children, that he should put his hands on them, and pray: and the disciples rebuked them.
KJV Matthew 19:14 But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.
KJV Matthew 19:15 And he laid his hands on them, and departed thence.
So instead of losing your cool and getting all worked up, give them a hug and pray for them. If they are going to be punished for doing something unacceptable, get down on their level or have them sit in your lap (if they are small enough – but my mother in law will testify that we are never too big to sit on mama's lap) and explain it to them. Make sure they understand why they are in trouble. Does God punish you unjustly? Most certainly not. He is a merciful, loving God that will chastise us and we always know why. Deploy the joy, baby!
3. Life isn't always going to be perfect. It isn't always going to be fun. We will be persecuted and go through fiery trials. We won't always be happy; but God never promised that life would be easy. He only said He would never leave us.
There are lots of time in life where we feel sad. Perhaps we are going through the loss of a loved one or we lost a job. Tears are inevitable in life; yet they are also temporary. Put your tears to good use and cry out to God. He hears us and He will answer!
KJV Luke 1:47 And my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Saviour.
KJV Psalm 126:5 They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.
So where are you putting your confidence? Businesses are outsourcing left and right, you can't turn on the news without hearing something horrific, people die, and sometimes things just don't seem to go our way. Those are worldly things that will eventually cease. We aren't to put our trust in those things; we are to put our trust in God.
KJV Philippians 3:3 For we are the circumcision, which worship God in the spirit, and rejoice in Christ Jesus, and have no confidence in the flesh.
Good news! God brings us through our trials and tribulations with gladness. This is an opportunity for God to minister to us! So what should we do? Say it loud and proud: Deploy the joy, baby!
KJV Psalm 105:43 And he brought forth his people with joy, and his chosen with gladness
4. The Bible explains it better than I ever could:
KJV Psalm 5:11 But let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee.
Trust God? Then DEPLOY THE JOY, BABY and send the devil running!
Okay, The Cop Magnet used to be in the USAF...but he was never deployed into a dangerous area (unless you count a Sooner fan going to North Carolina...). I am glad that this school is backing down on letting a kid take a week off from school to be with his dad who will be home for his two week furlough. At the same time, the parents knew this school had rigorous standards when they enrolled him at the charter school I'm sure. I can see why the kid wants to be with dad, and I am all for that. That's why, if I was the mother, my kid would have "come down sick with the flu" if you know what I mean. Wink wink. Nudge nudge.
Greeaaat... John Edwards is running again. Be assured, America, for he does not want your votes of pity (frankly I had more pity for him when he was a running mate with John Kerry... ) since his wife is sick.
Redneck Kwiz-ine will now be found at http://white-trash-cafe.blogspot.com. I figured that since that's what we call my kitchen and I have an entire shelf of cookbooks...I may as well do something with it!
1 lb ground beef 1 c yellow cornmeal 1 c milk 2 eggs 1/2 t baking soda 1 T bacon drippin' 1 (8 oz) can cream corn 3/4 t salt 1 large onion, grated 1 lb sharp cheddar cheese, shredded 5 jalapenos, chopped
Preheat oven to 350. Heat a medium skillet and add beef. Cook, stirring continually, until browned and crumbly. Drain.
Grease a 10" ovenproof skillet (read: cast iron) or baking pan. Combine cornmeal, milk, eggs, baking soda, bacon drippings, corn, and salt in a large bowl.
Spoon half the cornbread batter into prepared skillet. Spread beef over batter. Top with onion, cheese, and jalapenos.
Spread remaining cornbread batter over filling, covering completely. Bake until browned on top and cheese is melted. It takes about 50 minutes...or 1 whole episode of Cops, time to go pee, and grab another beer.
I know that several parents will be agreeing with me that the end of spring break is a GOOD thing. While I think spring break is great for the kids, we ran out of things to do which meant they learned a new game: how to fight and tattle in two easy steps.
Step 1 - Punch your brother
Step 2 - When said brother hits you back, run like hell and tell your mama / dad / nana
I look forward to tomorrow...I might have to get up at 7:00 in the morning, but the house will be quiet by 8:00! I am so behind on my house work. I am catching up the laundry today and I finally vacuumed today. The Cop Magnet took video of me vacuuming because Pup Dog decided that the vacuum is evil and that he must save me from it. The lighting is crappy so I probably won't post it.
Sadly (for the kids!), I am looking forward to Monday.
I know that technically the M stands for mutant. After all I was a kid when the originals came out and I do have all three movies.
I wonder in this case if mutant can equal to overly-computer generated. Granted, this is from the eyes of a 28 year old...not the eyes of my three sons that are 6, 8, and 8. Even my husband thought it was a bit much.
The story line was great. The movie was cute, but I highly prefer the original ones where you had midgets jumping around in turtle suits...and the "bad guy" looked a little too much like a dark haired Mr. Incredible.
The theater was packed and we went to a matinée showing. But hey - Underdog has a movie coming out!
Thomas Jefferson would sue for slander if he knew of what folks were accusing him. It is true that Old Thomas did not like government declared days of fasting or thanksgiving. You have to admit that he was only a Deist and not an Evangelical Christian. And there was that embarrassing letter to the Danbury Baptist Association in 1802. No matter. If Thomas could defend himself today, he would vehemently deny that he wanted to protect government from religion. That famous "Wall of Separation" between Church and State was intended to protect religion from the government. We cannot blame Thomas Jefferson for what is happening today.
Thomas Jefferson did not want government interfering in religion at all for fear that government would pick a religion, thereby limiting the freedom of all religions not chosen. This was what Europeans had fled in coming to America. The Danbury Baptists were particularly concerned; Baptists, or Anabaptists as they were known on the European Continent were not popular with Old World Governments and were seen as subversive dissidents. Jefferson assured them that the new United States of America would not interfere in any way with the right of any citizen to practice any religion of his choice, even those considered subversive. This stance was not because Jefferson disdained or suspected religion's role in society, but because he valued it so highly. Government was not to be protected from religion; religion must be protected from government in any free society.
How strange it is that we have erred so far from the foundational tenets of the Founding Fathers that we now espouse the opposite of democracy in the name of democracy. While Thomas Jefferson fought for the right to freely express religious belief unhampered by the government, our society fights to restrict religious expression in the name of "protecting democracy" from the religious right. How can restricting freedom of expression ever protect democracy?
The wave seemed to start with courthouse Nativity scenes and displays of the Ten Commandments. At first glance, the objection seems reasonable. If the government pays for the religious display, the government is establishing a religion. Of course, the obvious solution is to provide space for citizens to express religious sentiments, all citizens and all religions at their own expense. Except that since we are predominately a Christian society still, the number and type of religious displays probably would not change much. And of course, just as with prayer in schools, it does not seem to satisfy the nay-sayers that the religious expression be from the private sector and be voluntary. Religion cannot be publicly displayed at all; the public expression of religious sentiment or position is dangerous and subversive in and of itself and must be regulated, even forbidden. Old Thomas is turning flips in his grave.
The perversion of Jefferson's beliefs grows worse. Not only is religion increasingly forbidden the right of public expression, but religious people are frowned upon if they engage in the political process for the purpose of expressing or defending their religious beliefs. It has come to the point where an outspoken Evangelical Christian will have a difficult time being approved for a Cabinet position because of the widely held belief that your religious beliefs belong only in the church house, not in the public arena. You know old Thomas believed like Voltaire that "I disagree heartily with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." That belief was foundational to the forming of the Bill of Rights. Where is it today?
Thomas Jefferson knew that at the heart of democracy is freedom of speech; the right to express loudly and publicly for what you stand. The American Civil Liberties Union says it was founded to protect that right, and has defended the American Nazi Party and the Klu Klux Klan. Why then does this organization oppose even student initiated prayer in schools? Why does a person of religion have to apologize for running for office? Of what are we afraid? I know what frightened Thomas Jefferson. The silence of censorship. He wanted to protect religious people from a government that would silence them.
So if we were going to quote Thomas Jefferson accurately, what would we be saying about the role of religion in our society and government's responsibility toward religion? Firstly, we would never tax religions. We would certainly never make decisions about taxing religions based upon what they teach. That is a terrible breach in the "Wall of Separation"; just the kind of breach our friend Thomas wished to prevent. It is a very slippery slope. Soon it will mean that no not-for-profit organization can have a different opinion from the current administration on any controversial subject. No matter what our religious or political affiliations, none of us want to go there.
President Jefferson would not want the government to have any input at all in what religious organizations say or how they are organized. Yes, this leaves some margin for terrorists and crazies, but the alternative is the death of democracy, in which case the terrorists and crazies are welcome to whatever is left. Perhaps Thomas understood this so clearly because freedom was so new in his day. Maybe we are so accustomed to these freedoms that we prefer security to freedom. They tell me the crime rate was low in Communist Russia.
Thomas would never advocate the limitation of religious expression. On the contrary, he would want open, free participation in the political process of all groups of people, whatever their beliefs. Thomas would not be so naïve as to think that anyone would act without a personal agenda while seeking public office. Mr. Jefferson recognized the free flow of ideas to be crucial to a democracy and he was not afraid of ideas opposed to his own. He wanted free flow of ideas so the voters could decide for themselves what America would be like.
If Thomas Jefferson could defend himself he would beg us to follow his example. Instead of fearing religious participation in the development of public policy, Thomas would have us embrace what religion has to offer society. Perhaps as our society has ceased to value the role of religion, we have ceased to value democracy as those who brought it to us defined it. That is what Thomas would tell us, if he could. Let us listen.
Time to play my new favorite game, boys and girls...it's time to play Out of context...the blog game that shows you, my adoring public my readers, how the peeps surfed on in this week.
On March 19th, the blog had google strippers (and to think...it was my blog and I wasn't even invited)...
On March 20th, I joined the ranks of the not ticklish, unconformed folks that blog about midget strippers. You know, I swear...you just talk about midget strippers one time with your doctor and your blog goes to crap...I'm telling you.
On the first day of spring, for once I got something that just might apply to me... Someone found me by googling upci (which is my church denomination). No, buspar does not make me lazy - it made me get Febreze happy. I quit taking that crap. I really couldn't sleep...it made these bouts of insomnia look like a freaking cake walk.
March 22 - when did I talk about sedating a cat with Benedryl? My cats are a member of my family...so that means that if I decided to sedate them, I wouldn't use Benedryl.. Nyquil and duct tape are my tools of choice thank you very much.
Now take THAT and twist it out of context Mr. Google!
And I get to scream it WITHOUT wearing a man skirt! LOL Gare-Bear went home today...frankly it wasn't a moment too soon. Don't misunderstand me, I love my baby cousin...but he is the epitome of a preacher's kid - smart mouthed, cusses behind your back, and throws hissy fits. That was just one day one. I think that dealing with him might have upgraded my mentally ill status to mentally impaired (for Unkey Monkey and Nana Beachy - I like waffles!). Of course some would argue that I've been mentally impaired this entire time and I am only cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
What can I say...tire swings are fun. Having sons is great! I have an excuse to go out, get dirty, and not worry a whole lot about my looks. Of course I do look nice for The Cop Magnet, but it's nice to be able to just play sometimes. Since I've been working from home, Monkey Butt's behavior is improving. He hasn't been in trouble at school or anything, but he was acting out at home to get my attention. That's getting much better.
Anyway, I thought I would have time today to jump into Thursday Thirteen, but I didn't. I know that they accept late players, but I hate being late.
Other than that I am just sitting here enjoying the peace and quiet and waiting to get sleepy...
So I don't know if spring break is a break for the kids or me breaking from reality.
For you see, I don't just have Monkey Butt, Bry-onicle, and Squarepants Star...I also have my little cousin, Gare-Bear, who is also eight. It's kind of weird to have a cousin the same age as my own kids...my uncle got a late start. Actually, his older child is 15.
It's been an interesting few days. My uncle called last night and asked if I could keep Gare-Bear for two days...his big sis is staying with Nana Beachy. Now I found out it might be for the whole week...but if he doesn't clean up his language, I don't think so. I already called my uncle and told him that Gare-Bear was being mouthy and taking the Lord's name in vain (nice for a preacher's kid huh?). Not only that, but also lying.
They are outside playing with water guns (yes it is that hot here). I have Tortilla Soup ready to go...just waiting for The Cop Magnet to get home.
So in this family, there are a couple of events that signify your come uppance into white trash. Monkey Butt and Bry-onicle passed the pre-white trash rite last year. They both got into serious physical altercations at school.
Monkey Butt was being picked on and told me. I talked to his pre-k teacher and was told that, "He needs to learn to stand up for himself." I said, "Alrighty then...but he's a Christian (last name) and since you are apparently new to this district and never taught my husband or his brothers, don't say you weren't warned." I told Monkey Butt that night that the next time the kid hit him / pushed him / kicked him to knock the pee-fire out of him.
Sure enough - I got a call from the principal the next day. Monkey Butt knocked the kid down (after being hit several times) and then he went that extra mile. He hit the kid with a chair. I apologized for the fact the kid got hit with the chair, but I did explain to the principal that I had already talked with the teacher that he was being picked on and hit. I told the principal what the teacher said and I told her that I warned her. The principal agreed to talk to the teacher; for some reason, the whole matter was dropped. He wasn't picked on anymore.
Bry-onicle was in the lunch line last year and some kid pushed him. I guess he was having a bad day because he is usually the more rational of the bunch (must take after his mama). He grabbed the kid, slammed him into the wall and then shoved him down. Needless to say, I got to talk to the principal (not the same principal as the one he has this year). Bry-onicle was given a stern talking to by that principal and he got in trouble at home for being a little too rough.
I have no issues for my boys sticking up for themselves; it just needs to be done appropriately. What can I say...they are The Cop Magnet's stock.
Anyhoo, Unkey Monkey came by Friday night and asked to borrow my car. He left me his truck (which burns oil, is low on power steering fluid, and doesn't have working tag lights...but he won't listen to me being a girl and all...he will just have to burn up the engine and learn the hard way) just in case I needed to go anywhere.
Then it dawned on me. We live in a trailer park....and my sons have never rode in the back of a truck. Yes, I know...I am a failure as a white trash parent. So I put all three of them in the back of the truck...and did the big ole' speed of 10 MPH around the trailer park. They got a kick out of it...
And now they is officially white trash. Mama is so proud.
6 banananananananas 2 T melted butter 2 T lemon juice 1/4 c honey
Cut banananananas in half lengthwise. Arrange in 9x13 inch baking pan. Combine butter, lemon juice and honey in bowl. Drizzle over bananananas. Bake at 325 for 15 minutes turning occasionally.
So, you brought home a new Internet Troll. Congratulations! If you are a first timer having a troll, you may have questions. Here are a few suggestions so that you and your troll can live in karmic balance. Now remember, each troll is different and your results may vary. However, this primer should help you get on your way. Welcome to the world of having a troll!
How do I refer to my troll now that I have him/her?
First, your troll may show up already named. Yet, you will find the “pre-fab” names to be rather unoriginal such as Annonymous [sic], ihateyou or yousuck. Never fear, you can always change their name. If this is your first troll, I find that it is best to give him/her a soothing, happy name to remind you that they are really just helpless, sad creatures. A good name can make all the difference! I recommend something like FluffyLoveBunny or Silly Billy Chickie Boo. How scary is that? Not so much.
So your troll has a name! Congratulations! You are on your way!
How do I discipline my new troll?
Now as trolls are known to do, yours may act up from time to time. He or she may get down right nasty and vicious towards you. Remember: That is in their nature. They are inbred to act that way. It is just NOT their fault. (And rumor has it most of them were dropped on their head often as tiny, baby trolls.) Of course, your first instinct as you get used to your new troll is to lash out and want to punish them for being so incorrigible. That would be your first mistake! It only encourages their behavior. The best way to keep your little FluffyBunnyLove in harmony with you and your home is to ignore him or her. Unlike their human counterparts, neglect keeps trolls temperamentally neutral. Allowing them to see your anger or pain at their behavior merely encourages them to keep it up and makes them raging mean. Neglect. Ignore. Restore (the balance). Those are the keys to disciplining your new troll.
Now that I have a new troll, what do I feed him?
Like any wild animal, it is important to understand the indigenous nature of their diet. Your new troll may try to convince you that the best thing you can feed him is a diet of your anger, frustration and pain. Don’t listen. As any child can tell you, they will try to get away with anything they possibly can. It would be a mistake to listen to them. Your anger, frustration and pain is their main source of nutrition and growth and-- unlike human beings who need good nutrition and growth to survive-- it is vital that trolls maintain a steady diet of ambivalence and ignorant bliss to maintain their puny stature. As much as you want to punish him or her, remember that little FluffyLoveBunny needs to be ignored after he or she comes home with you. A steady diet of neglect will keep you living in harmony with your new troll!
Where do I keep my new troll?
That is a great (and normal) question! As with any troll, he or she will want to be front and center in your life. He or she will want your never-ending attention at all times. It is their nature. However, to live successfully with your new troll, you must remember to keep him or her locked in a corner or sitting so far in the back of the room that you forget her or she is there. Remember: Neglect makes this work! Don’t feel guilt. It is how this relationship was meant to be.
What if my troll runs away from me and never returns? Does this mean I failed as a troll owner?
Absolutely not! In fact, just the opposite. If your troll gives up in frustration and leaves you for another, that simply means you have done a good job in the care and feeding of your troll. Pat yourself on the back. You deserve it!
However, remember this: The troll population is diverse and re-spawns quickly. Don’t get too comfortable. Before you know it, another troll may follow you home. But, with this handy primer, you will be ready for the care and feeding of your troll!
Good luck with your new troll! May your journey be swift and painless!
Like asking for a date on a Taco Mayo sign. I hope it is still there when I head into town. I think I need a picture of it.
Picture this: overcast day...breeze whippin' through the magnolia trees...white flowers fallin' so much it looks like it's a snowin'. Yer name on the Taco Mayo sign askin' ya for a date...
Nothing says white trash love more...
Oh and note the label...it stands for Redneck, White Trash, and Blue Collar.
You aren't a full fledged Republican yet, but it's probably the party that fits you best. You probably consider yourself an independent Republican. You usually support the party, but you also think for yourself!
Everyone loves a dysfunctional family get together..
We went to OKC last night to see The Cop Magnet's uncle on his 45th birthday. Nothing says family like 10 people in the same house, let me tell you.
Grandpa was there. He's senile. Poppy was there. He has Parkinson's and I can only catch about every third word he says on the phone and when he gets excited in person it is the same way.
So after a round of tacky jokes...including the definition of true innocence, Nana Beachy starts getting on to Unkey Monkey to get his hair cut for his senior pictures. She's paying for them, after all, and she just wants him to trim it. It's not long...it's just hair that needs a good cut. The Cop Magnet says something about a barber shop of, uh, ill repute (read: topless) in OKC. Apparently it is called Hot Cuts. Well I take my boys to a place called Top Cuts. I told The Cop Magnet I'll have to make sure that I am at the right barber shop next time I take the boys for hair cuts.
At that point, Poppy said something to the effect of, "Are you sh!tt!ng me? They have titty bars that double as barber shops?" This was confirmed by Uncle Birthday. They wear pasties. So The Cop Magnet says, "We ought to take Grandpa to a titty bar." Now, Grandpa is hard hearing. The Cop Magnet yells, "Grandpa! Do you want me to take you to a titty bar?" Grandpa said, "What?" So The Cop Magnet says it louder and Grandpa says, "No I don't want a cheeseburger."
At that point everyone busted out laughing - and now none of us can look at a cheeseburger the same way again.
Nana Beachy repeated what The Cop Magnet said and Grandpa said, "I don't need to go to places like that! When Mama [that's what everyone called his wife] was still alive I got to see all the titty I wanted to see. Since the good Lord called her home, that's all."
Fatty McChuckles called on our way home and I told him about it. It was creepy! No one wants to hear about granny showing her boobs to grandpa. You know? Fatty McChuckles gently reminded me of the time we went to Schlitterbaum.
Poppy gave Grandpa the video camera while we all went to ride rides. That night, we went to watch the video and it was nothing but boobs and butts. So I know I shouldn't be surprised, but it is still creepy.
The Cop Magnet and I went to go see The Number 23. I was skeptical at first because, frankly, it's hard to imagine Fire Marshall Bill / Ace Ventura / Bruce Almighty doing anything in a drama. The movie had its quirky, funny moments but was pretty predictable up until the end. I never guessed the ending. I was pleasantly surprised.
It was a lot of fun...especially since we were sitting in the back of the theater (no we were not doing THAT). Unkey Monkey and a group of his friends walked in. We saw them but they didn't see us. He was some blond girl that he swears he wasn't there with - that she was there with another guy...but that's funny because the guy she was supposedly there with sat way behind them and they sat together... So I called B.S. and decided to embarrass him.
The Cop Magnet started first and called him on Nana Beachy's cell phone (since we knew he had it and because we know that he hadn't seen us JUST yet). The Cop Magnet said, "I just talked to mom and she said you better get your butt home as soon as this movie is over and she said you better not be with any girl." Of course, Unkey Monkey just hangs up on him. So The Cop Magnet just couldn't help himself. He walked right down the steps and tapped Unkey Monkey and the shoulder to say hi.
After the movie was over (the theater was pretty crowded), The Cop Magnet was ready to go. I gave him the look that says, "I'm starting trouble" and said, "Hold on.. I want to wait for some of these other people to leave. You know how I hate a crowd." The theater was still pretty dark and he knew what I was really waiting for...yeah, Unkey Monkey and the mystery blond.
Three of Unkey Monkey's friends walk by me...and then he finally does and I jump out of the aisle and start smooching on him and hugging him and this girl gives me the "what the heck" look. So then I started tickling him saying, "Aww...aint that sweet. My baby brother is still ticklish!" I embarrassed him REAL good. He was in front of me on the steps so I proceeded to gently pinch the back of his knees and he danced just like I knew he would!
For some strange reason, him and his girl high tailed it out of there...no introduction or nothing. Job well done for us. We know this is one night that he won't have the chance to knock up some girl that would probably just end up being a psycho.
We went to relieve Nana Beachy of child care duty. I told her how I thought it was amazing how genetics work. She asked what I was talking about. She does the same little dance if you pinch her behind the legs. I told her Unkey Monkey does that too!! I found out!! Apparently that runs in the family.
Yesterday, Unkey Monkey tried to repay me for my kindness by tickling me at church. There is just one problem...as he discovered... I am not ticklish. At least, I am not ticklish any where that is polite to talk about in general society... mwa ha ha ha.
Well it is definitely Saturday at White Trash Central. Our day didn't start until after 10 in the morning. Monkey Butt had soccer. His team did pretty good this time. They only lost by one point. At least this week they played kids their own age. Last week the kids were a good two years older.
Went to Target (pronounced in Oklahoma as Tar-jay). I found a Happy Bunny key chain that I just had to have. It said, "I'm not mean. You're just a sissy."
Got the oil changed in the Z, ate at Wendys, and went to Sprawl Mart. We needed new toilet seats and toilet paper. Those seem to be Pup-Dog's favorite chew toys. This week he also ate one of my shower curtains.
Monkey Butt and Bry-onicle have a friend from next door spending the night. His parents headed to track. The boys are playing redneck hockey in the kitchen....using a monster truck toy tire for a puck.
We are taking them over to Nana's because we are going to the movies...that and I have to fix her Access database. The school has her using four separate Excel spreadsheets to keep up with a reading competition (and frankly, the rules need to be enforced..I saw some of the sheets turned in by the seniors - they are reading Dr. Seuss books for goodness sake!). Why do that when I can just set up a database with a sub-form for her to keep up with it? Real easy...just import the names to four separate main dbs. Add a subform to each one that lists the books and pages. Then, you do a switch board to allow Nana Beachy to pick which grade level she is working on. Ta-da. I'm not as redneck as you thought. So there.
89. If you plan to commit suicide, do it the right way.
I know it is a free country...and I do not condone suicide. I'm just saying that two men that get together to kill themselves by cutting off their own arms should realize that, well, once you cut off three of the four arms...you are kinda screwed.
Yeah, I know that people can do some weird stuff with their feet. I can pick up practically anything (within reason) off the floor with my toes. Yet I still doubt (extensively) that I could manage to cut off one of my arms. Not that I'd want to.
Okay, I so should have become a stand up comedienne. I wanted to do that but I didn't think I was that funny and then there's the whole audience thing.
We are watching Comedy Central presents Chelsea Handler. She isn't funny in the traditional sense, but she has the dry sense of humor I've ever seen.
For instance, she talked about how everyone has internet access...and how her cleaning lady doesn't have a car but she has a web site and a weekly podcast. She said, "What could Florincia have to talk about weekly?"
I was thinking maybe that should have been my angle for my cleaning business..screw the catchy name; I should have advertised myself as "The cleaning lady that speaks English fluently!" And yes...I did just go there.
She also talked about how it drives her crazy to hear women talk about not being able to lose their baby fat...and the baby is like seven years old. "Put the taco down." I have maybe...ten more pounds of "baby weight" to lose. The problem is that if I lose it, I'll be down to like 110 pounds and I'll look like I could eat a cheerio from the inside out. I told The Cop Magnet that at least I didn't gain it in my butt, hips, and at least my arms don't keep waving my hand stops. Of course, I wish I would have kept the C cups I had during my pregnancy.
Well, I must admit...I think that sometimes this blog is taken completely out of context by the search engines. Here are the ways people found me this week:
Google:
yellow loratab 7.5 pictures (I don't think I've ever seen a yellow loratab in my life...nor do I think I've ever posted pictures of loratab).
monkeys head painted on butt (while this is one of the funnier pictures I have seen in a while, I find it disturbing that googling monkey heads will get you to this site)
tripping on loratab (you know those are bad for your liver, right?)
spongebob waffle maker (I still think I need one of those)
crying at dentist pain medication
signs of being crazy
stehno
"filled her shirt" (again??)
my fat engagement ring!
"your mother does not work here" (I dunno...I know of three kids who's mama runs this crazy, twisted by the search engines blog)
teenage male cologne
why won't women put gas in the car (that's easy...because my husband will do it for me)
pickle the pirate game
ugly midget strippers
AOL Search:
what constitutes interpersonal communication in personal, professional and diverse contexts
So let me get this straight... S.C. has pending legislation that will allow prisoners to donate an organ in exchange for smaller sentences? Gee, can we just donate a head of time then go over to S.C. and commit a crime?
First, how do we know that the organs are in good condition? Granted I know some of yall will be thinking that they will have to undergo medical tests. That's probably true at first. What happens when that becomes too expensive? BTW, who is going to pay for the prisoner's stay in the hospital and recovery time? After all, it's the state deciding who can donate and who can't. We are talking about the same people that want to raise taxes every year...because they can't make do with what they've got. If we can't trust them with money, should we trust them with someone's life??
Okay, so it's only six months off the sentence but for me it is the principle of the matter. Donate Life South Carolina is on the right track. This completely "muddies the water". People should donate because they want to donate. People should not donate if they want something (but a good feeling) in return. Otherwise, why not open up the market for organs? I got two kidneys. I can live with 1. I could use $100,000. But I can't do that because that's illegal.
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said? ..........
Okay, I was just wondering; I didn't get one either...
Or at least, as normal as normal can get around White Trash Central. The Cop Magnet is hopefully on his way to a promotion. He received fabulous marks on his review. Of course, I'm not surprised. He's a hard worker (and a loud talker LOL).
Bry-onicle is doing better in math and feeling better about being in school. He's excited that we now have an X-Box.
Monkey Butt is starting to read very well and he is loving soccer. He is using his inhaler less and less.
Squarepants Star moved to the capital city with his bio-mom. He is liking the school and starting to make friends.
I am about 18 hours migraine free. I also figured out how to make my own soft scrub for the bathroom. If ya ask real nice, I might even share.
Tomorrow is Thursday Thirteen and I don't know if I'll participate or not. I don't know what to blog about. Maybe 13 reasons why I hate college algebra.
Most of my life I have felt like I did not fit in.My thought process has always been different, to say the least.To this day I don’t always fit in.I think differently because I am different.
Until recently I felt a little bothered by this.After all, everyone wants to be accepted.We all want to have friends and for people to think well of us.It can be that way for almost every apostolic woman.We not only behave differently than the world but we also look different.Sometimes it can be hard to be different.
The devil uses our minds to make us feel like being different is a bad thing.Those thoughts can make it difficult to be an effective witness or even be an encouragement to those in the church.Let’s face it – even those that “look” the part don’t always “act” the part.I am here to tell you that you should not be discouraged by your thoughts.We are not to be like the world!We are not to dress like, think like, or act like the world.
We are called to be modest, have pure thoughts, and behave in a godly fashion.It is time to quit letting the devil tell us that we cannot affect the world because we don’t fit in.We aren’t supposed to fit in.
Have you ever noticed that when you are out in a public place you don’t look at the average Joe or Jane?You always end up staring at the teenage boy with the Mohawk, wearing a skirt, and has his fingernails painted black.He is getting the attention because he is different.The attention we receive because of how obviously different we are needs to be used for God’s purpose.
We are not called to just look differently and turn our noses up at the unsaved.We are called to look differently and to go out and teach God’s word.What a better way to do it than to attract attention to ourselves because of the way we look!Starting today, make a pact with God.Make a pact that you will use your unique look to represent your unique God.
88. You shall not instruct your toddler to stab his mother.
Not that I agree with a murderous instinct to begin with, but this just takes moron to a whole new level. At least the mommy lived and the little boy did not stab her. At least someone in that family has sense. The court is only putting $350,000 bail on this guy.
First degree assault, first degree reckless endangerment, first degree unlawful restraint, and threatening...where's the attempted murder?? Where's the corruption of a minor?? This guy should be locked up for the rest of his life. Screw rehab. While I am glad he didn't kill his teen bride, this idiot should be given the needle (personally I am a fan of the electric chair...or killing murderers in the fashion that they subjected their victims to).
Most of the wounds were superficial...but if he manages to make bond, they won't be superficial for a second time. A little piece of paper that says, "Don't go near her" won't stop that guy, either.
I contemplated putting him on my cast of characters. I didn't do it because I hope that Mr. Tool-Box doesn't hang around much. Mr. Tool-Box is the migraine headache that's been plaguing me for just about a month now. The reason he is called Mr. Tool-Box is because sometimes it feels like I am being hit in the head with a hammer or flashlight...and other times it feels like someone has my neck and eyes in a set of pliers and decided to twist them as hard as they could. Fun, huh?
The doc put me on Maxalt and then something for preventative measures. So far the Maxalt doesn't seem to be helping. I took one almost an hour ago and I finally broke down and took a Fiornal.
Mr. Tool-Box likes to interrupt my sleep, too. He also likes to put his hands over my eyes and make things nice and blurry.
I know, I know... I neglected yall by not posting a delicious rednek recipe for yall. I've had awful, awful migraines. Yesterday I got to take a trip to urgent care. They gave me a shot of Nubain. The headache was back with a vengeance today. Went into to the PCP and he put me on Fiornal and I have an appointment for an MRI.
This is also midterm week so...I'm sort of hiding out.
The Cop Magnet and I sat with the principal at Bry-onicle's school for over an hour. She said what part of the problem was is that Bry-onicle is "way up here" (using her hands to measure intelligence) and the other boys were "way down here" (I guess she was indicating they are normal intelligence). She wasn't telling us anything we didn't know. She said that what we had to realize is that she has over 400 students and that the only way she knows them by name is if they are in trouble.
I understand that...frankly, it is refreshing to know my child is not in her office. She said that part of the problem (according to two of the other boys) was that Bry-onicle had offered the kid a "flower". Bry-onicle was in the office at this time and corrected her - he gave the other kid a honeysuckle. Our yard is covered in them and we sit outside and eat them.
The kid that admitted to physically threatening him (but didn't own up to threatening him with a gun) is now on lunch and recess suspension - meaning he spends his lunch and recess with the principal. The principal is also changing the lunchroom seating. Bry-onicle, two from his class, and the perps from the other class all end up sitting together because of the fact they bring their lunch quite a bit. Now Bry-onicle and his buds will sit on one end of the table...and the perps will sit at the other end on the opposite side.
Memos went out to all recess and lunch room monitors about the situation. Now Bry-onicle knows that the teachers must take him seriously. He can also go directly to the principal or what ever teacher he feels most comfortable with telling.
These are steps in the right direction, but we are keeping an eye on the situation. Bry-onicle said that yesterday the other two boys approached him at lunch and apologized to him for picking on him.
Why can't parents raise their children to respect each other??
And this is what I sent...I am taking out my son's name to protect his privacy (and my phone numbers). I am not going to tolerate the school doing NOTHING when my child was threatened with a GUN.
My name is Robin and I am the mother of a third grader that attends school in Noble, OK. My son was threatened to be "whipped, hanged from a tree, and [used] for target practice with a gun" by a group of about eight other students. One student admitted to part of it. My husband and I went to the principal, Mrs. Stehno. At the end of the day, we were told that her "investigation" came to nothing and that while one student admitted to threatening physical violence, my son deserved it because he was talking about his favorite toy, Lego Bionicles.
Essentially, the principal said that they might revoke the child's recess. This is supposed to be, from what I was told, a no tolerance district. Yet, my son is being picked on by eight students and physically threatened. This year he was punched in the stomach in the school bathroom - the teacher he told blew him off.
Tomorrow we are to meet with the principal again as well as the superintendent, and campus police. If my son will point out the kid that threatened him with a gun, campus police may step in.
However, I think it is completely unacceptable that my child is being blamed for this. No child deserves this kind of treatment. School is supposed to be a safe place....especially in a one stop light town.
I sent this to all of our local news channels. I will NOT stand for this.
) since his wife is sick.
.
